Happy Birthday Bama

Hello readers,

It's late and I haven't posted in ten days but today I felt I wanted to write something short and sweet. Today would of marked Bama's 90th Birthday. I've been thinking about her a lot as of late. She is with me everyday as the little prayer necklace she gave me still hangs from my rear view mirror to this day. It's been with me since I was 16 in my first car. I look at it daily and it generally brings a smile to my face. Her hutch sits in my living room and tonight as I do most night's I'm home, turned the light on and just stared into the hutch at her picture. 

I wonder what she's been up to, I wonder how she's doing...I just wonder. I can't explain it, but we all at times I think stop to think about loved ones we've lost. I believe in spirits and that people who have passed on have sometimes come back to visit us. Whether it's in a little way you can't explain to just something you know they had a hand in. I haven't had one of those experiences yet with Bama in particular but I know it'll come one day. 

I know she'll be there watching over my baby girl being born in just a matter of 2 weeks now. My heart breaks a little bit knowing she will never get to hold her & see her in person, but I know she'll be there that day to see her and it comforts me. 

I just wanted to take a minute tonight to get some feelings out and wish Bama a Happy Birthday! I miss you everyday Bama and know you're in such a better place. I will have an Orange Tootsie Pop tomorrow in your honor. Check in on us from time to time okay? 

Love you.

Scales & Tunnels

For those who don't know, I started out 2019 with the hopes of sticking to a New Years Resolution to lose weight...yeah been there heard that right? Well it's true, and I like most people let the first month of 2019 go bye and I didn't stick to it at all. I continued to eat what I wanted too, drink occasionally (Love craft beer) & didn't exercise.

Well fast forward to Feb 1, 2019; something about that day that will stick with me til I'm gone. I decided to pursue my original New Years resolution and diet. So I set the bar high and wanted to lose 50 lbs by 1-1-20. Well, not only did I do that come October or so, but I at one point got to like 73 lbs lost.

Now here we sit, July 13th, 2020 and I'm hovering around 66 lbs lost or so and I can't help but be a little mad at myself. Mad at the fact that I've put a few pounds on during the pandemic, mad that no matter what I seem to do lately, the scale just goes up 1 this week, and down 1 the next week. Truth be told, it's making me stressed out beyond belief & like I did with our first pregnancy I turned to eating. My son's pregnancy was a very challenging one to say the least and I did what I did to deal with the stress and that was ate.

This pregnancy however, I've battled some inner and personal demons and haven't returned to that thank god! So that's a win all in to itself, but the struggle, the little voice inside my head is always there trying to get it's way. I've managed to basically quite soda, and for those who knew me growing up, Mountain Dew was like my drug of choice. Would drink so many of those each and every day without blinking an eye. It was my coffee in the morning because I don't drink coffee and needed that caffeine fix to get my day started. So to keep that addiction at bay is something I'm very proud of. Sure, I'll have a Diet Coke here and there, but hey it's Diet and 0 calories :)

The urge to eat does sometimes try to take advantage of me as well and I've struggled at times sure, but then the guilt and overall shame I feel at that week's weigh in assuming it's positive is what drives me to not give into to temptation. So when I found out we were pregnant this go around I swore to myself that I wouldn't put a bunch of weight on like I did in 2017 and I haven't. Then March 2020 rolled around and Covid came into our lives. I stopped doing my exercise bike as I couldn't turn away from the nightly news and wanting to know everything there was to know about this disease. My hours changed at work, so I found myself eating one meal a day so that in a way was kind of a blessing, but it's always been a struggle.

I've rediscovered the Bowflex bike again and have found that I'm back to exercising at least 3-4 days a week. The thoughts of going back, seeing old pictures of myself almost 70 lbs heavier is what drives me. I've learned to impose my will power again when it comes to food & drinks.

It's amazing how the mind can manipulate you, am I right? I'm excited for the arrival of my daughter in just a few short weeks as I need to get rid of this negativity cloud that's been hovering over me I feel like for months. I have let the outside world consume me for far too long as of late & there are days where I'm ok with it but there are times where it eats at me. It's been hard not to see family, hang out with friends & go to the movies with my buddies. Most of us, not all, keep saying there will eventually be light at the end of this dark everlasting tunnel, but if you're like me, it's hard to see it. It breaks my heart that my son hasn't been able to go visit his cousins and having to explain to him the Germies as we call it. He I think in his own little way understands that what Daddy/Mommy are doing is to keep him safe & one day it'll all be over and life will return to some symbol of normalcy.

I know there are people who have ridiculed me behind my back, hell, I've even have people said it to me, that I'm over reacting, you can't live in a bubble. Well guess what, I am & will continue to do so because it keeps my family safe from the irresponsible ass holes in this world that I see on a daily basis. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting darker by the minute from what you hear on the news. Experts of every major medical professional organization are saying the end of this is far from over. You're damn right that's terrifying considering my daughter is a month away from coming into this world. I will continue to do what I've been doing since March and probably amp it up because I will do whatever is necessary to keep my family safe from this virus. If that means people don't like what I'm doing, if that means their feelings get hurt, so be it.

I sound like a broken record but it is what it is. I titled this post scale for numerous reasons. The struggle I've had as of late to keep the weight gain at bay, the scale of new life & the scale of new horizons. The phrase- 'Light at the end of the tunnel.' It's a powerful phrase when you stop and think about it. We all have our tunnels in life. Some may be short, some may be winding & some may be long. Whatever the size of your tunnel, whatever the size of the boulders keeping you from reaching the end & seeing the light- the fight is worth it & the results are worth every scratch & claw struggle along it's way!

You Shall Not Pass...

Forgive the title of this blog as it's a quote from Lord of the Rings. I've been rewatching some of my favorite movies late at night again like I did when I was in college and I just finished Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, and boy does that take me back. I'm not going to get a lot of free time in the coming weeks/months with baby girl now less then 5 weeks away from making her debut into this world.

It's been a week since my last posting and I find it harder and harder to wanna write about anything right now, because when I should be feeling happy and excited, (don't get me wrong I am at times) I find myself full of hate and distaste as of late with people. I'm not going to rehash where I stand on certain things, cause if you've been reading this blog and if you work with me, you know how I feel about the current state of our political climate. I get angry inside when I see people walking around without a mask on especially when out a public place. The selfishness & general lack of concern for others well being and safety has been treated as an after thought at a time in our countries history when it should be at the forefront.

See here I go again, and I didn't want to write about this but it's hard for me cause I have a ton of feelings I want to get out and considering this is my forum to do it I will. I get so angry when I see Pritzker sucks signs in peoples yard. I've literally almost stopped the car on the side of the road to rip them out. I hate seeing so much negativity on social media towards a group of individuals that it's worn off on me I feel like and I'm like huh, how did this happen. 2020 has been let's face it, a fucked up year and it shows no signs of getting better.

Just look at Florida, Texas, California, all getting worse by the day and reporting new cases upwards of 10k a day!!!! Yet people want to criticize our leader (I'm not talking Trump, just so we're clear) and the fact that our state is following logic and science! Like wake up and smell the fucking roses people. Guess what: concerts will return, indoor seating in restaurants will eventually get back to normal but face facts- that's not happening right now so we should be doing everything and anything we can to get back to that point. The sad fact is, we won't for a long time because of things I mentioned earlier- people's selfishness and unwillingness to adapt to change.

It terrifies me to my core to welcome this baby girl into the world...there I said it. I've been called a few things during this time, some I know were meant to be harmless but some I think were said with a little bit of malicious intent. Guess what- I don't care, it doesn't phase me in the slightest. I've done the things I needed to do during this crazy time to keep my family & I safe. Do I miss seeing my family and friends, you bet, but I've learned to adapt. Do I enjoy washing my hands a 1000 times a day when at work and the cracks on multiple fingers as a result, HELL NO, but I do it anyways. Do I enjoy applying hand sanitizer and the pain that ensues on my dry hands, HELL NO but I've learned to adapt.

People I know have asked me, what's going to happen when your baby is born. I have jokingly said, you think I'm nuts now just wait til she's here...but the more I think about it, I'm not joking. With every expert saying it's only going to get worse before it gets better, I'm reconditioning my mind that we will not be seeing family and friends for a very long time. And you know what, I'm at peace with that because at the end of the day all that matters is the health and safety of my kids, wife and me. Get togethers will happen again, parties will happen again & life will eventually get back to normal. I'm tired of keeping all this in. I don't like what I've become at times, but I do it to keep what's most important to me safe and healthy.

You may call me names, but guess what, I'll call ya one right back. Don't judge me as I try not to judge others unless of course they don't wanna wear a mask and practice social distancing! :)

Anyways, I needed to vent tonight. For those who read this blog thank you. It's meant a lot to me to have something again in my life to use as an escape and to put my college degree back to use. I promise there will be happier blogs ahead. We're all faced with difficult challenges day in and day out and for those who are hurting or need someone to talk to, I'll listen. Put your feelings to paper, or hell start a blog. Everyone needs that emotional release at a time when our country is literally up for grabs.

Stay safe and stay healthy my friends.

Stupid Democrat

I've never been one for politics. I've kept quiet most of my life in regards to certain political topics. I don't identify as a Democrat or Republican, and I still don't to this day. The coming election in November you can damn sure bet I'll be out there voting, but that's not what this blog is about today.

This blog today is just about my current feelings as of today, July 2, 2020. My mind feels like a yo-yo as of late. I'm buried in some projects at work, am 6 weeks away from welcoming a baby girl into this world & just trying to keep myself and my family safe on a daily basis. You all know where I stand with this virus- it's not a joke to me. I get so heated when I see others taking this so carelessly it literally makes me irate.

The day I dreaded during this pandemic came to light the other day and that was moving into Phase 4- mainly indoor dining. I was worried that we'd have some ass holes come in and refuse to wear a mask and much to my dismay we only had a handful. It shouldn't surprise me but it does that people come in thinking they don't have to wear a mask. Like have you lived under a fucking rock for the past 4 months or are you just that fucking stupid??? I can answer that- your just that stupid.

Well the other day we had a customer come in and was speaking to one of my female managers about wanting to dine in. She politely asked him do you have a mask and the guy said no or something along that line and then proceeded to say- Well how am I supposed to eat? The voice inside my head was like are you fucking kidding me? Wear the mask to your table which is our policy and remove it once seated- like people are so fucking stupid. Eat with it on dumb ass, like get out of here. He then proceeded to call her a stupid democrat.

First, I don't know what happened to that guy but I hope he got hit by a bus or something on his way home. I just can't stand the stupidity and arrogance certain people have during a time like this. So if we're the stupid democrat- what are you- a stupid republican? Why don't you go drop to your knees at the White House? Sorry I'm getting off topic. And people wonder why I hoped we stayed with just outdoor seating for a while? It's because of jag-offs like that. No one should be talked to like this...people on TV preach love and compassion yet people aren't showing/demonstrating any of that. Sure you get the nice person come in or speak to you on the phone saying thank you guys for being open and for wearing masks. But then you get a person who comments on social media stating they don't feel safe cause of a picture they saw.

The things people complain about or go out of their way to complain about amuses me. I could write a trilogy of stories I've accumulated during my tenure in the restaurant biz or better yet have the best damn reality show on TV based on the life of a restaurant manager. I posted something earlier on my Facebook page and I know everyone is entitled to their opinions and believe you me, we all have different views when it comes to things during this pandemic, and I'll back mine firmly just like I expect others too as well.

But the thing I won't tolerate is the irresponsibility of others to not practice safe social distancing when every medical expert in the fucking country is preaching this. I've looked into my crystal ball and have seen what it's gonna look like in a couple of weeks- we will be back tracking, oh yeah that's right. I didn't tell you- I have a crystal ball. People think they are immune or that they are healthy and won't catch it but all of that doesn't matter. I know face masks aren't a 100% blocker of this disease but it helps in close contact areas and I for one will continue to wear one when out because I am a responsible citizen and don't want anyone to get sick. I used to say I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy but lately my views have changed..kidding of course. The argument could be made otherwise...

I referenced my mind is like a yo-yo lately but it's more like a rubber band. You can only pull it so much before it snaps and I'm nearing that point. I know people think I'm nuts, insane, overcautious or whatever other word you wanna use to describe me, but guess what, I don't give a damn. Do you think I like washing my hands a 1000 times a day. Do you think I enjoy applying hand sanitizer to my hands and almost crying cause of the cuts I have on half my fingers? I'm doing this for 3 reasons- wife, son and future daughter. And for anyone to jeopardize that because they don't think they have to wear a mask, well that just sets me off. You can't be with friends and family right now- oh well too bad, there will be more times for celebration at a later date once this is under control. People need to put aside their selfish tendencies and start thinking of the greater good.

Dr. Fauci who I love to listen too says there could be a time where the US is averaging 100k a day, yes a day! Right now we're at the highest we've been and that's over 40k a day. I don't want to be one of those statisitcs nor anyone I know either. If only it was a law that masks were required, maybe one day soon it will be. I'm all for it. Say what you will, complain if you feel you have too but I won't listen. I am all for keeping my family safe and if anyone or anything gets in my way, well it won't be good for them.