Scales & Tunnels

For those who don't know, I started out 2019 with the hopes of sticking to a New Years Resolution to lose weight...yeah been there heard that right? Well it's true, and I like most people let the first month of 2019 go bye and I didn't stick to it at all. I continued to eat what I wanted too, drink occasionally (Love craft beer) & didn't exercise.

Well fast forward to Feb 1, 2019; something about that day that will stick with me til I'm gone. I decided to pursue my original New Years resolution and diet. So I set the bar high and wanted to lose 50 lbs by 1-1-20. Well, not only did I do that come October or so, but I at one point got to like 73 lbs lost.

Now here we sit, July 13th, 2020 and I'm hovering around 66 lbs lost or so and I can't help but be a little mad at myself. Mad at the fact that I've put a few pounds on during the pandemic, mad that no matter what I seem to do lately, the scale just goes up 1 this week, and down 1 the next week. Truth be told, it's making me stressed out beyond belief & like I did with our first pregnancy I turned to eating. My son's pregnancy was a very challenging one to say the least and I did what I did to deal with the stress and that was ate.

This pregnancy however, I've battled some inner and personal demons and haven't returned to that thank god! So that's a win all in to itself, but the struggle, the little voice inside my head is always there trying to get it's way. I've managed to basically quite soda, and for those who knew me growing up, Mountain Dew was like my drug of choice. Would drink so many of those each and every day without blinking an eye. It was my coffee in the morning because I don't drink coffee and needed that caffeine fix to get my day started. So to keep that addiction at bay is something I'm very proud of. Sure, I'll have a Diet Coke here and there, but hey it's Diet and 0 calories :)

The urge to eat does sometimes try to take advantage of me as well and I've struggled at times sure, but then the guilt and overall shame I feel at that week's weigh in assuming it's positive is what drives me to not give into to temptation. So when I found out we were pregnant this go around I swore to myself that I wouldn't put a bunch of weight on like I did in 2017 and I haven't. Then March 2020 rolled around and Covid came into our lives. I stopped doing my exercise bike as I couldn't turn away from the nightly news and wanting to know everything there was to know about this disease. My hours changed at work, so I found myself eating one meal a day so that in a way was kind of a blessing, but it's always been a struggle.

I've rediscovered the Bowflex bike again and have found that I'm back to exercising at least 3-4 days a week. The thoughts of going back, seeing old pictures of myself almost 70 lbs heavier is what drives me. I've learned to impose my will power again when it comes to food & drinks.

It's amazing how the mind can manipulate you, am I right? I'm excited for the arrival of my daughter in just a few short weeks as I need to get rid of this negativity cloud that's been hovering over me I feel like for months. I have let the outside world consume me for far too long as of late & there are days where I'm ok with it but there are times where it eats at me. It's been hard not to see family, hang out with friends & go to the movies with my buddies. Most of us, not all, keep saying there will eventually be light at the end of this dark everlasting tunnel, but if you're like me, it's hard to see it. It breaks my heart that my son hasn't been able to go visit his cousins and having to explain to him the Germies as we call it. He I think in his own little way understands that what Daddy/Mommy are doing is to keep him safe & one day it'll all be over and life will return to some symbol of normalcy.

I know there are people who have ridiculed me behind my back, hell, I've even have people said it to me, that I'm over reacting, you can't live in a bubble. Well guess what, I am & will continue to do so because it keeps my family safe from the irresponsible ass holes in this world that I see on a daily basis. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting darker by the minute from what you hear on the news. Experts of every major medical professional organization are saying the end of this is far from over. You're damn right that's terrifying considering my daughter is a month away from coming into this world. I will continue to do what I've been doing since March and probably amp it up because I will do whatever is necessary to keep my family safe from this virus. If that means people don't like what I'm doing, if that means their feelings get hurt, so be it.

I sound like a broken record but it is what it is. I titled this post scale for numerous reasons. The struggle I've had as of late to keep the weight gain at bay, the scale of new life & the scale of new horizons. The phrase- 'Light at the end of the tunnel.' It's a powerful phrase when you stop and think about it. We all have our tunnels in life. Some may be short, some may be winding & some may be long. Whatever the size of your tunnel, whatever the size of the boulders keeping you from reaching the end & seeing the light- the fight is worth it & the results are worth every scratch & claw struggle along it's way!