Hello Darkness My Old Friend..

 It's been a minute my dear blog followers, however many of you there are??? Life has been...hectic, chaotic, depressing, challenging...the list can go on and on. A lot has happened in the last three months, yeah it's been that long since I've posted anything. The inner journalist in me has been dying to come out so I find myself sitting in the basement, white claw in hand penning some thoughts for the world to read. 2020, it's truly the year that none of us will ever soon forget. It's been a glorious year in some ways at least for me thanks to the birth of my now 3 month old daughter who has forever stolen my heart! And in other ways it's been the worst year of most of our lives. 

Covid, covid, covid. It's the word of not just 2020 but the word of forever if that makes any sense to you guys. It has forever altered our daily lives in every which way and it's hard to see the light at this very ever -lasting tunnel. Not to mention we just had an election that will go down in history for numerous reasons. I'm not here to get political or talk about how Covid in great detail but since it's been a while, there are certainly some things I need to get off my chest. 

This Presidential election was fascinating to watch unfold. I for one, did my part and submitted my mail-in ballot which was hopefully correctly counted :) and like most people sat in front of my TV and watched CNN for the next several days waiting for the numerous projections and just riveted watching Wolf & John go over the states. I'm not going to say who I voted for, pretty obvious if you know me but I'm truly hoping that Biden can restore some grace & dignity to this country after you know who has made a complete and utter mockery of what it means to be the Leader of the Free world. Did he do some good things during his time in office, yeah I guess, but the way he has carried himself these last what 10-14 days has been nothing short of disgraceful and down right disgusting. 

You've lost, accept it and let's move on with all of our daily lives, yourself included. That's the last thing I'll say about that. I hope that real change comes over the next 4 years I really do. I like most of us hope for a safer and brighter tomorrow, great health care and most importantly a return to normalcy and the end of this pandemic. I don't pretend to know the answer to this pandemic as I've stated on my Facebook page before, and quite honestly neither do the so called experts but with a promising vaccine on the horizon, some of darkness might finally start to giveaway to some rays of hope. 

This pandemic has shown me the good in some, but the selfishness in most. By this I mean, it's truly disgusting to me that people like to blame our state officials for hindering their freedoms, but are you kidding me? It's people who are the problem during this pandemic and the fact that they just can't put aside simple pleasures, wear a fucking mask & do their part. Working in the service industry during this time has made me almost develop a hatred for people, I'm not going to lie. I've thought about keeping that last point to myself but it's nice to put it into legit thoughts. The number of times people come into the establishment not wearing a mask and acting dumb founded by it was truly astronomical. Are you just that fucking stupid, arrogant or perhaps selfish? 

People showed that they just don't give a shit so when it came time to tell people to wear a mask, I in turn didn't give a shit either. Look, I'm trying to keep my family safe & that comes above anyone or anything and just wish others could wear a mask instead of saying it's impacting their freedom...give me a freaking break! I hate the fact that I'm not seeing friends, going to the movies or whatever. I'm following the rules and trying to do my part but when I hear others are still going out, businesses are staying open, having people over at their home it makes me angry. It's part of the problem & not the solution. I don't wish for anyone to have to close a business down or worse get this virus...yes I know the recovery rate is great but for some it's not and why risk it, that's my thinking in this. I find myself at times asking myself am I insane, am I becoming too recluse that I need to venture out and I sometimes want to say yes but then when my daughter looks at me and gives me the smiles it's in that moment that I'm reminded this is why I wear a mask and sanitize my hands like crazy. 

Don't get me wrong, I hate, I mean hate the fact that my 3 year old son hasn't had a normal year but so have a ton of other kids. I'm thankful beyond belief that he's so small and will have no memory of this when he's older other then learning about it in school one day cause my heart literally breaks for him. People have said, oh you can still do things with him and blah blah blah but it's not worth the risk of him possibly getting this or worse his baby sister. It's been tough at times for me to keep my mouth shut watching others go out and about and do things but it's not my place. Again, everyone has their comfort levels and they are entitled to them, but people need to start to listen to health experts and stay home so we can beat this thing. Support small locally owned businesses, I for one will not be supporting anyone who chooses to remain open during this when they shouldn't be but that's just me. 

With Thanksgiving just around the corner I only fear this is going to get much worse before it gets better because yet again, people won't listen and just go out and about like nothing is going on and ruin it for those who may be sick or are just trying to keep their loved ones safe & healthy. Man does it feel good to be writing again. It's a skill that I miss putting to use on a daily basis like I did back in the day. There are times where I wish I could go back in time and change my major but in the end, I like to believe things work out the way they are supposed to. 

With the holiday's around the corner, I just hope everyone can take a step back and really think to themselves long and hard- what's most important to them this year. We've all been through the mill and back and I really want to believe 2021 is going to be amazing for so many reasons but we're not there yet. We're all never going to agree with one another and that's fine and dandy, but to see the negativity on a daily basis has turned the good in all of us sour. There is so much hate in the world it's hard not to cave into that darkness at times. Blaming others for the mistakes of the many is very hard to do. It's such a toxic world we live in and I truly like I said earlier am fortunate that my two small kids are just that, small & will not know what transpired during these last several months. 

All I want this holiday season is to give my family the best Christmas possible by doing it the safest way possible. That might mean not seeing family, going places but that's ok. There will be future holidays & times to get together but right now, we all need to do our part. For those of you who actually read this I'm grateful. This isn't to start a back and forth debate, this is just my platform that helps me unwind after months of being consumed by the darkness....

Emma

 It's a day I won't ever forget...August 6th, 2020. My daughter Emma Rae was born right around 2:09pm and like I said I'll never forget it. This time around it was so much different. This for those who don't know, is my second child, my first was our son Parker and we were to be surprised at his birth as we didn't know the gender, but this time around we found out that we were having a girl. 

In this messed up world we live in, I didn't think I could find so much joy but let me tell you I have. When she was born, I was completely and utterly overcome with emotion and I cried, and I cried hard. Tears of joy, relief and just a sigh of relief that this was all over and that our baby girl had entered this world. I've been seeing the term 'Girl Dad' trending for a while now and I thought it was kind of silly but becoming a father to this sweet and perfect little girl has changed me in ways that my son didn't and I didn't think were possible. 

The emotion that I was overcome with was literally out of no where. Seeing her face, hearing her cry & holding her for the first time, man it almost still gets me right now as I type this. Being pregnant during this Covid era in our lives was scary enough, and if I don't say it enough, to my wife, the way you handled yourself during this pregnancy, I will always be eternally grateful and I love you more then you could ever know. You are beyond brave, strong & an amazing mother of 2! 

As I type this now, my sweet pea, that's the nickname I've adapted for her, lies on my stomach after taking down a bottle and as I listen to her little snores/heavy breathing, the craziness I put myself through & my wife was so worth it. Becoming a girl dad has been an absolute blessing and I couldn't have asked for anything more. Already, there isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep my baby girl safe. She is my world and I her protector. 

The day of her birth was pretty standard/typical and I have to give a huge glowing shoutout to the nurse team we had at the hospital as they were terrific. They made sure everything went smoothly as it could and always kept my wife and babies safety at the forefront. Words still can't express the emotion and love I have for her...from her little looks she shoots me, to the way her head turns as I talk to her & how she gives me those post bottle smirks it's a feeling of joy that I honestly haven't felt in a long time. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my son more then anything as well, but with the negativity presented in this world on a day to day basis, this was the beacon of hope & joy that I desperately needed. Watching my son become a big brother and meeting her for the first time was another joy that I won't soon forget and he has taken to becoming a big brother, at least most of the time....he does have his moments still. 

I've been gone from the blog for a while but as my sleep has returned a little bit, so has my desire to start writing again and not wanting to go to sleep by like 9pm. I hope you guys are all staying safe & I hope to hear from you all soon.

1243 Days

That's a number I'll admit I had to look up tonight. I've been doing a lot of dwelling lately. Dwelling on the past, the present & the future. 1243 days ago my life changed forever. That was the day my son was born. I've had him now for 1243 days. 

During that time I've learned a lot, experienced a lot & def have grown a lot! He has taught me unconditional love, patience, kindness, sweetness & so much more. These 1243 days with him have been the greatest of my life thus far and in just a few short days he's going to become a big brother and me a father again this time to my daughter. There have been days that have been challenging to say the least, I'm sure all parents will attest to that, but then there are days like today, where faith is restored and it's all worth it. I have been gone a lot cause of work lately and have been off the last few days and I love it when he's super clingy to me and wants to play with Dada. 

We built forts, went on walks and played in the backyard this weekend, he even got to push daddy's lawn mower today for a few laps up and down the backyard and as I pushed that with him and he looked back and looked up at me, I realized I am truly blessed and fortunate. Fortunate for a healthy & loving son who sure may tests us more now then ever before, but I keep telling myself there is light at the end of these struggles. I know that one day soon, he'll start to try new foods, use the toilet for number 2 more constantly, it'll all work itself out. I have learned so much these past 3 plus years and I know there's more to come with not just him, but then a baby girl on the horizon as well. 

What will life be like? What's going to change? Is everything going to change? How is he going to be? Will he be jealous, loving, caring? It's these things and so much more that excite me about becoming a father again and this time it's more special as we will get to share this experience with him and watch him and his little sister interact and grow up together. The moment I keep thinking about is the moment when he will first meet her. Sure, he's heard us talking about baby sister in mommy's tummy for months now, but to truly see it will be something completely different. 

We are no longer just going to be a family of 3, we're expanding and I for one welcome it. The joy of this is subdued a little bit w/ this pandemic sure, but it's not going to keep our excitement down I'll tell ya that. In a world that's full of hate, disgusting groups of people and morons who refuse to wake up during such times, this is the bright spot I know I've been searching for and praying for. I have protected my son from the dangers of this world for 1243 days and while his count will continue, a new one, one for my daughter is set to begin any day now. 

I will be taking some time off for the next week or two but I promise to return to the blog and write about even more new experiences. Until then, stay safe & see everyone soon. 

Tim

Happy Birthday Bama

Hello readers,

It's late and I haven't posted in ten days but today I felt I wanted to write something short and sweet. Today would of marked Bama's 90th Birthday. I've been thinking about her a lot as of late. She is with me everyday as the little prayer necklace she gave me still hangs from my rear view mirror to this day. It's been with me since I was 16 in my first car. I look at it daily and it generally brings a smile to my face. Her hutch sits in my living room and tonight as I do most night's I'm home, turned the light on and just stared into the hutch at her picture. 

I wonder what she's been up to, I wonder how she's doing...I just wonder. I can't explain it, but we all at times I think stop to think about loved ones we've lost. I believe in spirits and that people who have passed on have sometimes come back to visit us. Whether it's in a little way you can't explain to just something you know they had a hand in. I haven't had one of those experiences yet with Bama in particular but I know it'll come one day. 

I know she'll be there watching over my baby girl being born in just a matter of 2 weeks now. My heart breaks a little bit knowing she will never get to hold her & see her in person, but I know she'll be there that day to see her and it comforts me. 

I just wanted to take a minute tonight to get some feelings out and wish Bama a Happy Birthday! I miss you everyday Bama and know you're in such a better place. I will have an Orange Tootsie Pop tomorrow in your honor. Check in on us from time to time okay? 

Love you.

Scales & Tunnels

For those who don't know, I started out 2019 with the hopes of sticking to a New Years Resolution to lose weight...yeah been there heard that right? Well it's true, and I like most people let the first month of 2019 go bye and I didn't stick to it at all. I continued to eat what I wanted too, drink occasionally (Love craft beer) & didn't exercise.

Well fast forward to Feb 1, 2019; something about that day that will stick with me til I'm gone. I decided to pursue my original New Years resolution and diet. So I set the bar high and wanted to lose 50 lbs by 1-1-20. Well, not only did I do that come October or so, but I at one point got to like 73 lbs lost.

Now here we sit, July 13th, 2020 and I'm hovering around 66 lbs lost or so and I can't help but be a little mad at myself. Mad at the fact that I've put a few pounds on during the pandemic, mad that no matter what I seem to do lately, the scale just goes up 1 this week, and down 1 the next week. Truth be told, it's making me stressed out beyond belief & like I did with our first pregnancy I turned to eating. My son's pregnancy was a very challenging one to say the least and I did what I did to deal with the stress and that was ate.

This pregnancy however, I've battled some inner and personal demons and haven't returned to that thank god! So that's a win all in to itself, but the struggle, the little voice inside my head is always there trying to get it's way. I've managed to basically quite soda, and for those who knew me growing up, Mountain Dew was like my drug of choice. Would drink so many of those each and every day without blinking an eye. It was my coffee in the morning because I don't drink coffee and needed that caffeine fix to get my day started. So to keep that addiction at bay is something I'm very proud of. Sure, I'll have a Diet Coke here and there, but hey it's Diet and 0 calories :)

The urge to eat does sometimes try to take advantage of me as well and I've struggled at times sure, but then the guilt and overall shame I feel at that week's weigh in assuming it's positive is what drives me to not give into to temptation. So when I found out we were pregnant this go around I swore to myself that I wouldn't put a bunch of weight on like I did in 2017 and I haven't. Then March 2020 rolled around and Covid came into our lives. I stopped doing my exercise bike as I couldn't turn away from the nightly news and wanting to know everything there was to know about this disease. My hours changed at work, so I found myself eating one meal a day so that in a way was kind of a blessing, but it's always been a struggle.

I've rediscovered the Bowflex bike again and have found that I'm back to exercising at least 3-4 days a week. The thoughts of going back, seeing old pictures of myself almost 70 lbs heavier is what drives me. I've learned to impose my will power again when it comes to food & drinks.

It's amazing how the mind can manipulate you, am I right? I'm excited for the arrival of my daughter in just a few short weeks as I need to get rid of this negativity cloud that's been hovering over me I feel like for months. I have let the outside world consume me for far too long as of late & there are days where I'm ok with it but there are times where it eats at me. It's been hard not to see family, hang out with friends & go to the movies with my buddies. Most of us, not all, keep saying there will eventually be light at the end of this dark everlasting tunnel, but if you're like me, it's hard to see it. It breaks my heart that my son hasn't been able to go visit his cousins and having to explain to him the Germies as we call it. He I think in his own little way understands that what Daddy/Mommy are doing is to keep him safe & one day it'll all be over and life will return to some symbol of normalcy.

I know there are people who have ridiculed me behind my back, hell, I've even have people said it to me, that I'm over reacting, you can't live in a bubble. Well guess what, I am & will continue to do so because it keeps my family safe from the irresponsible ass holes in this world that I see on a daily basis. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting darker by the minute from what you hear on the news. Experts of every major medical professional organization are saying the end of this is far from over. You're damn right that's terrifying considering my daughter is a month away from coming into this world. I will continue to do what I've been doing since March and probably amp it up because I will do whatever is necessary to keep my family safe from this virus. If that means people don't like what I'm doing, if that means their feelings get hurt, so be it.

I sound like a broken record but it is what it is. I titled this post scale for numerous reasons. The struggle I've had as of late to keep the weight gain at bay, the scale of new life & the scale of new horizons. The phrase- 'Light at the end of the tunnel.' It's a powerful phrase when you stop and think about it. We all have our tunnels in life. Some may be short, some may be winding & some may be long. Whatever the size of your tunnel, whatever the size of the boulders keeping you from reaching the end & seeing the light- the fight is worth it & the results are worth every scratch & claw struggle along it's way!

You Shall Not Pass...

Forgive the title of this blog as it's a quote from Lord of the Rings. I've been rewatching some of my favorite movies late at night again like I did when I was in college and I just finished Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, and boy does that take me back. I'm not going to get a lot of free time in the coming weeks/months with baby girl now less then 5 weeks away from making her debut into this world.

It's been a week since my last posting and I find it harder and harder to wanna write about anything right now, because when I should be feeling happy and excited, (don't get me wrong I am at times) I find myself full of hate and distaste as of late with people. I'm not going to rehash where I stand on certain things, cause if you've been reading this blog and if you work with me, you know how I feel about the current state of our political climate. I get angry inside when I see people walking around without a mask on especially when out a public place. The selfishness & general lack of concern for others well being and safety has been treated as an after thought at a time in our countries history when it should be at the forefront.

See here I go again, and I didn't want to write about this but it's hard for me cause I have a ton of feelings I want to get out and considering this is my forum to do it I will. I get so angry when I see Pritzker sucks signs in peoples yard. I've literally almost stopped the car on the side of the road to rip them out. I hate seeing so much negativity on social media towards a group of individuals that it's worn off on me I feel like and I'm like huh, how did this happen. 2020 has been let's face it, a fucked up year and it shows no signs of getting better.

Just look at Florida, Texas, California, all getting worse by the day and reporting new cases upwards of 10k a day!!!! Yet people want to criticize our leader (I'm not talking Trump, just so we're clear) and the fact that our state is following logic and science! Like wake up and smell the fucking roses people. Guess what: concerts will return, indoor seating in restaurants will eventually get back to normal but face facts- that's not happening right now so we should be doing everything and anything we can to get back to that point. The sad fact is, we won't for a long time because of things I mentioned earlier- people's selfishness and unwillingness to adapt to change.

It terrifies me to my core to welcome this baby girl into the world...there I said it. I've been called a few things during this time, some I know were meant to be harmless but some I think were said with a little bit of malicious intent. Guess what- I don't care, it doesn't phase me in the slightest. I've done the things I needed to do during this crazy time to keep my family & I safe. Do I miss seeing my family and friends, you bet, but I've learned to adapt. Do I enjoy washing my hands a 1000 times a day when at work and the cracks on multiple fingers as a result, HELL NO, but I do it anyways. Do I enjoy applying hand sanitizer and the pain that ensues on my dry hands, HELL NO but I've learned to adapt.

People I know have asked me, what's going to happen when your baby is born. I have jokingly said, you think I'm nuts now just wait til she's here...but the more I think about it, I'm not joking. With every expert saying it's only going to get worse before it gets better, I'm reconditioning my mind that we will not be seeing family and friends for a very long time. And you know what, I'm at peace with that because at the end of the day all that matters is the health and safety of my kids, wife and me. Get togethers will happen again, parties will happen again & life will eventually get back to normal. I'm tired of keeping all this in. I don't like what I've become at times, but I do it to keep what's most important to me safe and healthy.

You may call me names, but guess what, I'll call ya one right back. Don't judge me as I try not to judge others unless of course they don't wanna wear a mask and practice social distancing! :)

Anyways, I needed to vent tonight. For those who read this blog thank you. It's meant a lot to me to have something again in my life to use as an escape and to put my college degree back to use. I promise there will be happier blogs ahead. We're all faced with difficult challenges day in and day out and for those who are hurting or need someone to talk to, I'll listen. Put your feelings to paper, or hell start a blog. Everyone needs that emotional release at a time when our country is literally up for grabs.

Stay safe and stay healthy my friends.

Stupid Democrat

I've never been one for politics. I've kept quiet most of my life in regards to certain political topics. I don't identify as a Democrat or Republican, and I still don't to this day. The coming election in November you can damn sure bet I'll be out there voting, but that's not what this blog is about today.

This blog today is just about my current feelings as of today, July 2, 2020. My mind feels like a yo-yo as of late. I'm buried in some projects at work, am 6 weeks away from welcoming a baby girl into this world & just trying to keep myself and my family safe on a daily basis. You all know where I stand with this virus- it's not a joke to me. I get so heated when I see others taking this so carelessly it literally makes me irate.

The day I dreaded during this pandemic came to light the other day and that was moving into Phase 4- mainly indoor dining. I was worried that we'd have some ass holes come in and refuse to wear a mask and much to my dismay we only had a handful. It shouldn't surprise me but it does that people come in thinking they don't have to wear a mask. Like have you lived under a fucking rock for the past 4 months or are you just that fucking stupid??? I can answer that- your just that stupid.

Well the other day we had a customer come in and was speaking to one of my female managers about wanting to dine in. She politely asked him do you have a mask and the guy said no or something along that line and then proceeded to say- Well how am I supposed to eat? The voice inside my head was like are you fucking kidding me? Wear the mask to your table which is our policy and remove it once seated- like people are so fucking stupid. Eat with it on dumb ass, like get out of here. He then proceeded to call her a stupid democrat.

First, I don't know what happened to that guy but I hope he got hit by a bus or something on his way home. I just can't stand the stupidity and arrogance certain people have during a time like this. So if we're the stupid democrat- what are you- a stupid republican? Why don't you go drop to your knees at the White House? Sorry I'm getting off topic. And people wonder why I hoped we stayed with just outdoor seating for a while? It's because of jag-offs like that. No one should be talked to like this...people on TV preach love and compassion yet people aren't showing/demonstrating any of that. Sure you get the nice person come in or speak to you on the phone saying thank you guys for being open and for wearing masks. But then you get a person who comments on social media stating they don't feel safe cause of a picture they saw.

The things people complain about or go out of their way to complain about amuses me. I could write a trilogy of stories I've accumulated during my tenure in the restaurant biz or better yet have the best damn reality show on TV based on the life of a restaurant manager. I posted something earlier on my Facebook page and I know everyone is entitled to their opinions and believe you me, we all have different views when it comes to things during this pandemic, and I'll back mine firmly just like I expect others too as well.

But the thing I won't tolerate is the irresponsibility of others to not practice safe social distancing when every medical expert in the fucking country is preaching this. I've looked into my crystal ball and have seen what it's gonna look like in a couple of weeks- we will be back tracking, oh yeah that's right. I didn't tell you- I have a crystal ball. People think they are immune or that they are healthy and won't catch it but all of that doesn't matter. I know face masks aren't a 100% blocker of this disease but it helps in close contact areas and I for one will continue to wear one when out because I am a responsible citizen and don't want anyone to get sick. I used to say I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy but lately my views have changed..kidding of course. The argument could be made otherwise...

I referenced my mind is like a yo-yo lately but it's more like a rubber band. You can only pull it so much before it snaps and I'm nearing that point. I know people think I'm nuts, insane, overcautious or whatever other word you wanna use to describe me, but guess what, I don't give a damn. Do you think I like washing my hands a 1000 times a day. Do you think I enjoy applying hand sanitizer to my hands and almost crying cause of the cuts I have on half my fingers? I'm doing this for 3 reasons- wife, son and future daughter. And for anyone to jeopardize that because they don't think they have to wear a mask, well that just sets me off. You can't be with friends and family right now- oh well too bad, there will be more times for celebration at a later date once this is under control. People need to put aside their selfish tendencies and start thinking of the greater good.

Dr. Fauci who I love to listen too says there could be a time where the US is averaging 100k a day, yes a day! Right now we're at the highest we've been and that's over 40k a day. I don't want to be one of those statisitcs nor anyone I know either. If only it was a law that masks were required, maybe one day soon it will be. I'm all for it. Say what you will, complain if you feel you have too but I won't listen. I am all for keeping my family safe and if anyone or anything gets in my way, well it won't be good for them.

A Call That Won't Come Tomorrow

So tomorrow I turn 34. I haven't cared about my age ever and I honestly still don't. I sometimes act like a 60 year old in terms of my mentality on a lot of things especially lately and I'm fine with that. This year is different for numerous reasons. The reason that jumps to the top of the list and it's one that's been weighing on my mind for the last few days is this year I won't get a special phone call on my birthday from Bama.

Now I know this might seem silly to some and honestly while she was here I at times thought it was silly as well. I would be like ok I'm too old for this but wow do life's events change one's perspective on things. This will be my first birthday without her in my life and tomorrow I won't get that special phone call from her. I won't get to hear her voice sing me happy birthday, call me Timmy at the end of the song like she did for years and it's just a thought that's overtaken me the last two to three days. 

I've caught myself looking at my phone a few times today just thinking about it and as I type this now, my eyes are beginning to water because I realize now more then ever how much of an impact Bama had on my life and how special it was to hear her voice on my birthday and it's all gone. Not a day goes by where I haven't thought about her. Her hutch sits in my living room and I try to turn it on each and every night I'm home in honor of her and to make it feel like she's here with me and my family. 

Tomorrow is just going to be a little difficult if I'm being honest. Sure I'll get texts/calls from family & friends, but it's the one call I won't get that's going to put a bit of a damper on my birthday. Funny how the little things we sometimes take for granted often hurt once they are gone. This year there won't be a card in the mail from her, an orange sucker taped to a Fannie-Mae chocolate box, there will be a hole that can't be filled this year. I know with time this hole will close a little bit but it'll never completely heal and I welcome it. Never will I forget the special moments/phone calls we shared on each and everyone of my previous 33 birthday's. 

I'm not going to lie, I've felt like a different person lately. The stresses of work, the pandemic, this pregnancy, I sometimes feel like I'm trying to be Superman but even Superman needs help. I don't think I ever truly got the chance to really process everything around Bama's death because how can I? We didn't get to have a wake due to restrictions during these crazy times and it just feels like the goodbye process was kinda taken from me in a way. It's like something's been clawing in the back of my mind just wanting to get out and my emotions let's face it, feel like a yo-yo at times. Going from one direction to the next. 

I keep telling myself things will get back to the way they were but they might never. I would of loved to hear Bama's voice tomorrow for such selfish reasons. Sure she might of forgotten who she was calling as her memory was a bit foggy in recent months but it wouldn't of mattered. I would of sat through her singing and at the end told her what I always did, thanks Bama. We would talk about what I was going to do that day or evening and I would ask her how she's feeling. That's not going to happen tomorrow or ever again actually and it's just tough to deal with right now. 

I want to mention one thing that absolutely blew me away today. One of the neighbor mom's as I like to refer to them :) messaged me on Facebook the other day randomly saying she had left me a gift to be picked up at my in-laws. I was at first surprised and was like ok and she said it was in honor of Bama as she had read my blog and told me it was moving to her. So today I go to the in-laws to drop off my son and what is waiting for me there, a gift bag packed to the top with just one item- Orange Tootsie Pop's! The suckers Bama would tape to all my presents as a child, teen and adult. I had to fight back a tear on the drive to work as I had one of those suckers and looked up to the sky and made a quick toast with an orange tootsie pop. So thank you Mrs. A for one of the greatest gifts I could've gotten this year. It's meaning and sentiment will stick with me for a very long time. 

So Bama, I'll be sad tomorrow not to get your call but I know you'll be up there singing to me in that sweet sweet voice of yours. I love you and thank you for always calling me...I will miss it more than anything. 

A Letter for my Daughter

For those familiar with this blog, you'll know I've written a few 'Letters' in what I like to call A Letter series. I did one for Bama when she passed, one for my wife & always have the intent to write one for my daughter who will be here in August. I said I was going to wait until that time got closer but I just decided I didn't want to wait anymore.

Dear Daughter,

I remember it like it was yesterday when Mommy told me she was pregnant. We're we surprised- yes. We're we like is this accurate- yes. I say these things because for a while I wasn't sure we were going to be able to have another child naturally considering we did have to take some medicine to have your big brother. So when I say we're surprised it's the best kind of surprise your Dad has ever received in his life and I'm pretty sure Mommy would agree!

You're still a little over 7 weeks away but already there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. I am going to be your hero, protector & an unconditional support for you your entire life until my last breath. I am going to love you with all of my heart, my being & soul until my last breath. I will pick you up when life throws an obstacle your way & I will chase anyone away who breaks your heart! I've always had more friends who are girls so I've always thought what I would be like as a father to a girl of my own.

I've often wondered what it would be like to go to a daddy daughter dance or bigger then that- walk you down the aisle. I'll admit, I'm gonna need some help when it comes to doing your hair and picking out matching clothes, cause let's face it, I'm a guy and don't care about that stuff but if it's important to you- it'll be important to me. I want to be a hero in your eyes for as long as I can and if someone else comes along and is worthy to take my place, then I'll welcome that person with open arms. They will have to pass my tests along the way but I'm sure there will someone worthy of you one day, but we shall see.

I want you to know there will be scary times in your life, happy times, sad times and everything in between but know this, I will always be there to wrap my arms around you, reach for your hand when your scared & lift you up when you need me. I want you to know that people will disappoint you and friends you thought were friends we'll betray you. Those who really care about you, those who stick with you through good times & in bad, those are the people you want with you when you're older, trust me I know from first hand experience.

I want your voice to be your voice. I want you to believe in whatever it is you want to believe in, and if you have questions along the way, ask. I want the world for you and of course your big brother and will do everything in my power to provide it for you. Do you think I'm working as hard as I do cause I enjoy it lol...I do sometimes, but everything I do is to provide for you and your brother. There might be times where Mommy and Daddy are fighting or aren't getting along and that's ok. Grown ups, Mom's and Dad's fight sometimes but know this- we love you both more then anything and it's all gonna work itself out, I promise.

I'm sorry for all the kisses you're going to get during the early years of your life because your Dad loves kisses. I want you to know that I love you each and every day and it's the little things, the little actions that mean the most. Dream Big and if you fall, I'll be there to pick you up. You are my entire world baby girl. I sit here now putting my thoughts to this letter and I can't believe how excited I am for you to arrive. I can't wait to see you be held by Mommy for the first time and then of course held by me.

You were carried by your Mommy during a time that this world has never seen before and I hope it's one you'll never have to experience in your life time baby girl. I want you to know something, I at times didn't make it easy on Mommy during this Pandemic. She would joke and say I had her on house arrest but I did it for your safety and Mommy's. Trust me when I say there will be a time when the four of us go on a magical vacation or getaway and in those moments I'll look at Mommy and say- it was totally worth it right! To witness the little moments you'll share with your big brother will reassure what I've known all along- it was worth it.

I want you to know that even Daddy's get scared sometimes baby girl. Truth be told, I'm scared each and every day during this time in our history right now and all I care about is your safety along with your brothers & Mommy of course. I was beyond grateful and blessed to know we were going to welcome a daughter into this world and then when this virus came around it made me appreciate it that much more. Your mommy is incredibly brave, strong & amazing baby girl I want you to realize that the first time you have a fight. I can't imagine the fear she sometimes had and of course wouldn't tell me about knowing that I had enough to worry about and wouldn't want to add it to my plate.

In closing, baby girl, I love you more then life itself. I will try to be the best daddy in your life that I can and I promise to never stop. Will I be embarrassing or overstep sometimes, damn right I will, but it comes from a good place. I literally am counting the days, hours, minutes & seconds until I get to hold you for the first time in my arms and kiss your head. Until that time, you enjoy being in Mommy's tummy and let her get some sleep.

I love you.

Dada

If You Could Build Me A Daddy

The power of music is something isn't it! Just recently Luke Bryan, one of my favorite country artist released a song called 'Build Me a Daddy.' I've said it before and I'll say it again, country music at least in today's world of so called 'music' is the best genre of music. Numerous reasons support my theory and thinking. They can actually sing, play, write and tell the best stories through their music.

They don't need stupid beats, auto-tunes and background noise to make themselves sound good, because, they are good! The power of a good song can really hit ya and for me country music has always managed to do that. Don't get all 'Well all they sing about is trucks, beer and America,' because why yes, there are plenty of songs about that, country music just gets it. They know how to tell the story of love, family & the story of hope.

I've listened to this particular song on repeat since I first heard it almost a week ago and the lyrics are just super powerful and the video is as well. As a father of one, and a second one now just 8 weeks away this song particularly sticks with me and tugs at the old heart strings. With Father's Day this weekend it made it's release and meaning even more powerful. We all have that song that resonates with us and while I have other songs that hold more meaning, this one and the timing with everything going on in the world just feels perfect.

I've been lucky to celebrate a few Father's Days now as an actual Father and there is nothing and I mean nothing better then that. For all the Father's out there it's a feeling you can't describe to others but you know it's there. The moment your child is born, the moment you hold them against you and the first time they just lock eyes with you, it's over! Over in every sense of the word meaning it's unconditional and a love that you'd arguably kill over. Your their protector, guardian and do anything for person and it's a job I wouldn't trade for anything.

That's why this song is special because it's all about a little boy whose lost his Dad and why I still have my father and my son has me, it makes ya think. Life is precious, fragile and unpredictable. This virus I took super seriously, still do, but to see the negligence and flat out disrespect in others during this time just sucks. You may not have anything that matters to you in your pathetic life, but I do. Sorry, I get heated when talking about this. *Trust me I could go on but everyone knows where I stand with this.

The power of a song huh? Circling back, what song makes you think of that special someone, something or connection in life? I'd love to hear about it because after all, it's that song, it's that lyric it's that note that tells a story that no matter what anyone says, is all your own. With everything going on in today's world perhaps today, just turn that song on and for a few minutes just slip away to a better place and time.

The joys of a sprinkle...

It's been a while! I'll be honest life has gotten in the way of this blog for the past few days and truth, I've had somewhat of a writers block these past six days since my last posting. I'll admit, my state of mind has been on the negative side as of late and I hate feeling this way. I won't go into the specifics but I'm trying to write something on the lighter, more positive side tonight. 

I thought about writing the next installment in my 'A Letter' series, with the next one being A Letter for My Daughter, but I'm going to save that for when our due date gets a little closer. I thought about writing how people continue to reaffirm my disgust with humanity but that's too serious a topic and it's getting late. So what to write about? Favorite song, favorite TV show or how about favorite movie? 

No what I wanted to write about tonight was my son and how he just continues to become more of a big boy with each passing day. During this quarantine, I've become all about taking care of my lawn (which I always have), maintaining and growing my new tree in the front yard & arriving in the next 7-10 days will be a raised garden bed, which him and I are both very excited about. That's right, he's become my little helper when it comes to watering the tree and flowers. Watching him get such a kick out of it and telling me it's time to go water the tree and the flowers is so cool. 

Today I cut the grass and he was right alongside with me out there helping me by pushing his little bubble mower. It's in these little moments where I try to cast all the negativity out and realize that this is something special, these moments with my son are incredible and I wouldn't change them for anything. Then came the sprinkle (what he says), aka the sprinkler! We haven't gotten the sprinkler system activated yet so in the mean time we've been running the sprinkler the last few days and he's obsessed and of course telling me where to put it, when to run it, etc. 

The pure joy he gets from the simplest things in an adult's eyes truly baffle my mind at times but as a father it's the greatest of joys to experience. I've had some negative days as of late and just being able to spend quality time with him is the right kind of medicine to get my head right. He's become quite the little parrot, so of course, I need to really watch what I'm saying because one slip and it's gonna get repeated. 

So tonight, per our usual routine, we're horsing around and him and I are singing some random songs and I start singing rain rain go away. Well I like to do the funny version and sing if you don't I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear and what does he do? In the middle of our family room, pulls down not just his pants but underwear as well, and the wife and I just burst into laughter and of course so does he and he thinks he's the entertainer of the year! His laugh was amazing and of course he proceeded to do it again a couple more times and with each time, of course we're telling him you can't do that, but it's so hard not to laugh when your 3 year old is having a ball and laughing so hysterically. 

It's hard to be away from him a lot and hopefully one day that will change, but in the mean time, the days at home with him have become more fun as he's gotten older, although at times, more stressful as well & with baby sister only 8 weeks away, I can't imagine multiplying all this by 2 in just a short 8 weeks.

It all started with a big bang...

I sit here alone on the couch this evening wondering about the past. It hit me in all honesty while watching a video on Youtube of all places. That said video, The Final Table Read of the final episode of The Big Bang Theory!

It may seem silly to some of you, if not most of you, but not to me. I've always had a passion for the world of Television/Movies- the Entertainment Industry! Not just being lazy and sitting on my ass watching it, but the inner workings and the behind the scenes stuff. Quite often I would fantasize about being a writer on one of television's biggest shows or who knows a producer on a big budget Hollywood film, but living here in Illinois, I sadly realize that dream will never come true.

My love for the industry def hasn't diminished and I love knowing what is going on behind the scenes of the next Marvel movie or reading rumor boards, not spoiler boards, yes there is a difference about whose being eyed for the next big blockbuster that won't hit movie screens for another year or two. I've had this lingering feeling inside of me lately that just won't go away, almost like a voice inside my head telling me maybe it's time. Time to see if something could become of that but Illinois isn't where the action is sadly and it's kind of depressing, almost like letting air out of a balloon and watching a small child cry.

I look at my Bachelor's Degree in Journalism often and think- what could of been? I was a good writer, hell still am when I wanna put my mind to a topic of importance to me, and now it's like the degree is just gathering dust. Sure I use my writing skills every once in a while for work, but in no way is it the same. The dream was like I said in a recent blog- to have a radio or podcast with my brother from another mother, my PIC- Brendan. Or to be a well respected entertainment writer or movie critic.

Starting this blog has been a muse to me and has allowed me to vent, share my feelings and personal happenings going on in my life right now and I'm grateful to all of those who have stopped to read what I write cause quite honestly, you don't have too. This blog has led me to want to start doing more as well to help ease the voice inside my head, so I think I want to look into starting a Podcast. The Podcast would be the same sort of template that this blog is, but on it, I'd like to bring on friends or whomever really to talk about anything and everything.

Now I don't know the first thing about starting a Podcast, so some research would have to be done, but I think it's a path that I may start stumbling upon in the coming days or weeks. Not like I have a tight schedule ahead...#10weekstobaby2 oh wait...

So that's where I'm at tonight. It's funny how a video, a pointless video to some, can have a deeper fire reigniting meaning to others...

Fork In the Road

Just wanted to write tonight, I literally don't have a direction for this post but just felt as if I needed an escape so here I am. Lately I've been having a lot of anxiety building up in me. From the stress of the world, the stress of my job & the stress of always worrying about things I feel like a rubber band at times ready to snap at a moment's notice. 

The fear of the unknown has always made me feel a little on edge and lately it just seems to have caught up with me internally. I'm not going to lie I feel as if for the first time in a long time my future seems a bit foggy and not as clear as I would like it to be. People say things, do things and it just gets to me internally and like a tick it buries itself in my brain and then of course, the wheels begin to turn!

How do people silence the thoughts and quiet their minds? For me it can be super difficult at times and it gets frustrating. It's like a little voice inside your head that no matter how hard you try and silence it's always there reminding you it's there. This pandemic has sent shock waves throughout the entire world and not knowing one's future is a scary thing. 

As I type this now, I just have gotten home from a 13 hour day and have to in turn be back to work bright and early tomorrow morning for a whopping 14-15 hour day. Don't get me wrong I'm lucky to have a job and a steady paycheck, but the time away from my son weighs on my mind during times like these. Questions like- is it worth it? Are working these long days paying off? I'm not trying to get sympathy, again, this is my outlet for writing and expressing what's going on in my life right now. I look around me at times and I'll be honest, I feel as if I give it my all and try so damn hard, why doesn't everyone commit to goals like I do?

Not everyone is wired the same way I understand that, it just in a world we live in today, where jobs are at the moment hard to come by, you wish you'd see people go the extra mile and commit more. I've often wondered what else I'd wanna do if something presented itself to me and while scary it's also kind of intriguing at the same time. If you told me back in 2008 when I graduated from college that I'd be doing what I'm doing now- I would of told you- you're crazy. I went to college with a passion for journalism with hopes of one day making it as an Entertainment writer or to have my own radio show/podcast. 

I did both those things and I'll be honest, I think I excelled at both while I did them and I miss them both pretty terribly to be honest. I wish I was a critic who people turned too about TV & Movies or could speak up on my own radio show about funny topics and of course some of the serious stuff as well. 

Who knows what path I'll end up on down the road, but I know whatever it is I'll commit to it 100%. This could be just a fork in the road right now but I sure hope it's smooth sailing after whatever side of the road I choose to venture down. 

A view outside the window

It's hard to believe that 2020 is almost half way over! As we enter June, our country is in shambles, people are starting to recover from the virus & businesses are trying to reopen their doors and return to just a shred of normalcy. I sit here this morning June 2nd, 2020 on my couch looking out the window and I try to think of something positive in a dark time such as these.

I sit here and admit that I'm afraid for the future not just for myself, but the future that my son & future daughter will have to grow up in. It's 2020 and the world is crumbling & it's people are acting like savages. Let me clarify before people jump down my throat...I am all in favor of PEACEFUL, yes PEACEFUL protesting, but what these people are doing now is down right breaking the law. Innocent bystanders are looking on at their stores getting destroyed whether by smashed windows, theft of product or worse- being set on fire!

In what world is this ok? In what world should this be allowed? NONE! It is no longer about honoring a man who was tragically taken by the arrogance of others, it's become petty and down right ridiculous. I can't imagine waking up one morning and going off to work hoping & praying my store wasn't vandalized or broken into or how about- not even there anymore! What is going on right now is people breaking the law & it needs to be stopped immediately. I like most people, don't seem to have an answer on how to do that, but I'll tell you one thing, people shouldn't have to act like this in the year 2020!

I watched the news probably way too much yesterday and when listening to our President, it just makes me sit back mouth to the floor thinking, this is the face of our country? I don't identify on either side of the political spectrum as I've stated before in a previous blog, but wow just wow. The rumors flying around that he ordered the stoppage of a peaceful non violent protest so he could walk across to the street to a Church for a photo op...the rest of the world must sit back and think, wow we got it pretty good.

This is a time our country needs our leaders to step up and have one voice, a voice for all of it's citizens and instead it sounds like it's a voice only focused on one person- himself. Now does either candidate come this November election jump off the ballot to me- no, but this country is just so stuck in it's ways I'm fearful that the 2020 results may just mirror what it looked like just a short but yet so long 4 years ago.

Where I live, we've been told to stay indoors two consecutive nights. Think about that sentence for a minute, truly think about that sentence. I took a long pause just now and it makes me chuckle just a wee bit as it's so flat out silly to type out. I moved both cars into the garage, double and triple checked all the doors we're locked and again it's 2020! I always think back to a quote I honestly can't remember where I heard or saw it at. "The United States is the youngest nation in the world and also the dumbest."

From where I'm sitting this morning it certainly looks that way. There are good, innocent & hard working people in this world who are trying to jump start their lives again now that the Pandemic, knock on wood, seems to be slowing at least in Illinois but now this growing concern of looting and people acting like down right idiots is another wave of uncertainty.

I pray that the future generation in this case, my son and future daughter can in 2040 not have to face this same sort of fear & hatred but even that thought seems like a distant unobtainable dream.

The World is Ugly...

I've been debating whether or not I should interject my thoughts on this whole riot situation and after waking up to the news this morning and seeing nothing but devastation and chaos, I'm going to offer my two cents.

What happened to George Floyd is inexcusable and shouldn't be tolerated and justice will come for those criminals who did that to him, but what is going on now, is absolutely unjust and only continues to reaffirm my true thoughts on this country- it's pathetic and so are most of it's inhabitants!

You don't want to say it, so I will. I've lost all hope in humanity as I've gotten older as people continue to really showcase their true colors and their 'moral fiber.'

I know there is good and I see it sometimes, but far too often the darkness comes out and it really showcases how people truly are.

For those rioting downtown, they should all be arrested and thrown in a jail cell for a minimum of 6 months, let's teach these low life degenerate scumbags that if you break the law, you will get punished for it! Enough with this protest label, these aren't protests- it's breaking the law! What is going to happen to these store owners? Yeah I know insurance will step in, but this is ridiculous. Cop cars set on fire, news fans having Fuck spray painted all over it, I'd like to line all these people up and throw their asses in jail one by one!

If you don't like this option, truth be told, I could care less. We live in a world full of monsters and degenerates and I've seen that more and more with each passing day! I'm truly fearful of what it's going to be like when my son is older & my future daughter! They will live in a world I'm sure 10x more messed up than this one is currently and that's a scary thought all to itself.

To all the police officers out there, I hope you all stay safe and if need be, use some freaking force. Protect yourself and not these idiots down there. They don't care about you- so why the F should you care about them. Honestly? Why should we? This isn't about spreading a message anymore and the faster people come to that realization- the better off we will all be.

Here's hoping 2021 is a better year, but I know it won't be...

The simple things..

Lately I think I've let stress and fear consume me and I've forgotten what this post is titled...'The Simple Things.'

It's hard sometimes isn't it? With the news always showing the worst in people, Covid cases piling and piling up, it's hard to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel we've all been stuck in since mid March. And I feel that has been me lately....I've been struggling with my weight again, not gaining a ton, but I've been working at this now for over a year and a half and I'm very hard on myself as I worked very hard to get to where I'm at now.

Work has been stressful even more stressful than I think it needs to be. It truly is disgusting to hear how selfish and conceded some people can be at times like this. Like, do you realize you're fortunate to have a job, shut the f up and be grateful! But I digress and move on as I could write a novel about this subject but won't.

Today I got to sit down at the table and have waffles with my son and for a few moments life felt a little easier. Sure the phone was already buzzing with emails that needed my attention, I also was happy that I stepped on the scale for my weekly Wednesday weigh in and lost 1.6 lbs from last week, but today felt a little different. My son in the sweetest voice asked me to turn on Roomba, our vacuum and as I sit here now and watch him walk back and forth with 'his' roomba as he likes to call it, I just think life truly isn't that bad sometimes. I have a healthy son, a healthy 29 week pregnant wife and it does appear that light is starting to break down some of those boulders at the end of the tunnel.

I watch him and am reminded that he's the light in my life when things are tough. He's not judging me, he's just happy to see me and when he tells me he misses me, it melts my heart. I watch him now drink his juice and leap onto the couch because his vacuum is going to quote on quote get him lol. He reminds me that even when the world is a scary place and full of hate and monsters, there is some good which I see through him.

So today I am going to step back and truly just enjoy my time at home with him and really just enjoy The Simple Things!

Thinking of her...

I have been thinking a lot lately about her. I love her more then words can explain & will already do anything and everything for her! I want her to know that yes I was crazy during this pandemic but I did it all to keep her safe. I want her to know that I will protect her no matter what and no matter from whom.

Her grip on me is already taking hold and bending it towards what she wants. Her love for me will be endless & will mine for her. Her determination and strength will come not just from me, but from my wife as well. Her fears will hopefully be calmed knowing I'm fearful constantly during times such as these and want to relieve her of any fear she may have.

The her I'm referring to is my daughter. Now, for those of you who follow this blog, you know that I have what I like to call 'The Letter' series & the next Letter will be saved for the arrival of my daughter and it's one I can't wait to write but as we hit 28 weeks today and approach our August due date, I can't help but think of her.

I can't imagine what she's going to look like, act like and everything in between. I have just had her on my mind each and every day as of late and every action I take is with her in mind. I don't want to go on too much as I'll save that for A Letter for my Daughter (coming this August).

Just a quick little thing I wanted to put out there tonight as I can't wait for you to arrive Baby Girl. Hopefully by then this is all calmed & subsided but know this, if it hasn't your Dad & Mom will protect you from it all.

My first time...screaming girls & some hurt ear drums!

Now I know what you are thinking...what and huh? If that doesn't grab your attention, then I don't know what will. I'm talking about my first concert of course. Shout out to Julie for the suggestion as it's been a few days since my last tirade, I mean post here at the blog!

So Julie today suggested I write about my first concert experience and I'm certainly not bashful to say it was BSB..Backstreet Boys! #TeamBSB

As I've gotten older I've come to still love BSB music and scream it out in the car everytime it comes on the radio! But I digress, my dad was given free sky box tickets to I think it was called The World at the time, (Tweeter center) as I like to still call it and there was nothing but screaming girls and busted ear drums for me for several days afterwards. At the time, I truly didn't really know much of their catalog, only select hits, but I was hooked on concerts from that moment on.

I don't spend my money on much now a days, other then going to the movies, but I've been to probably about 60-75 concert now between my ages of 15-present (33). I love a good concert. Nothing beats a good old fashioned rock and roll concert, so I wanted to make this post about my favorite concert of all time in addition to talking about BSB popping my cherry (don't worry, they were extremely gentle).

I've seen some heavy hitters in my day, Aerosmith (7 times; fav band of all time), AC/DC, Van Halen (Roth & Hagar), Guns N' Roses (thank god they reunited), Velvet Revolver (like 7-8 times, one of my fav bands during High School & College), Bon Jovi, Journey, Foreigner, KISS, you name them, I've probably seen them.  But a good classic rock band will always stand the test of time for a few reasons. It's truly them playing, singing and entertaining a sold out arena.

I have to reference Aerosmith as the Kings of the Crop! Nobody and I mean nobody can control a crowd in the palm of their hand like Sir Steven Tyler! Aerosmith for me is a musical release and for 2 hours I can forget about the world and just flat out rock and freaking roll! Of course I know every word, can out duel anyone in a Joe Perry guitar solo, seriously, I welcome a challenger who thinks they can out play me in air guitar!

Their songs, their chemistry is undeniable and there is a reason they are America's best selling rock band of all time and have been together for over 40 years! These aren't senior citizens on the stage, it's pure American Rock & Roll! Like I said earlier, I've seen them perform over a half dozen times, and never miss a show from them when they come to the Chicagoland area! This one particular concert was attended by myself and my brother and it was a dream bill- the opening act was Slash w/ his band Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators. Side note- if you've never listened to either of those two albums, it's some good shit!

Slash of course is in like my 1B favorite band of all time- Guns N' Roses so seeing him live is always a treat and I'm so happy he's back in GNR! Anyways, Slash and co. absolutely killed it for close to an hour playing his hits and of course ending his set list with Paradise City! I don't think there is a better song to close a set to than that song! Thoughts? Suggestions?

Aerosmith came out a half hour later that night, and there's nothing like an outdoor concert on a perfect summer night, which it was, and they brought the house down. Going through the hits- Walk This Way, Sweet Emotion, Love in an Elevator & of course one of my favorite songs of all time- Dream On. There is not a better song live to belt out loud then the final chorus of Dream On, and Steven can still hit that high note and it's something incredible to witness each and every time!

I look back on that concert and just smile, because it was truly epic and one I soon won't forget. With concerts probably an after thought for 2020 and most acts starting to cancel or reschedule for 2021, I think this was a fitting topic to touch on so I thank you Julie! Now that I'm done typing, it's time to perhaps crack open a beer and start jamming to some good old Aerosmith. I'll throw in some BSB for good measure as well.

Everyone have a good evening and let me know your guys first concerts as well by replying here or on my Facebook Page!

I'm at a loss for words...

I've been sitting back the last few days just watching the news, reading articles & seeing how disgusting some people are in today's world. Some of you may not like what I'm about to say, while some of you might, truth be told..I don't care. Start a blog and speak up cause that's what I'm doing.

I am so sick and tired of hearing people complain about this stay at home order! Cue the world's smallest violin! Oh you can't go to the beach? Oh you can't go to a concert? Oh you can't do this or you can't do that? Need I go on? Shut your mouth because you want to know what's more important than all of that- someone is losing someone to this disease and they aren't getting that person back! This virus is killing people left and right and if one more person says these numbers are fabricated, or that this is all a hoax, I may lose my shit.

The selfishness I've seen in people truly reaffirms what I've thought for years- the people in this world (some not all) truly suck and are despicable. I for one, haven't lost anybody due to this Virus, but you know what I just fucking buried my grandmother and my own fucking wife couldn't be by my side due the severity of this virus, and you still wanna talk to me about reopening businesses? This virus isn't a joke and the fact that so many people are treating it as such is truly repulsive. People of all ages are dying not just older citizens w/ pre-existing health conditions.

Some of you have called me extreme during this and while that's your opinion, there are words I'd like to call some of you- irresponsible! I'm doing what I do day in and day out to keep my family safe and I'll be damned if some stupid ass hole is going to jeopardize my families health cause you wanna go out and party! Grow the fuck up and shut the hell up!

Priority is a funny word to me, cause for some it means something as it does to me, but for others, well they are stuck at 21 or younger when they are around my age of 33. What do you got to show for it huh? Oh you got fucked up at a party last week---congratulations you're so cool! (Sarcasm)

I keep hearing during this pandemic that it's supposed to unite all of us, but I'm sorry, I am not seeing it. People are ignoring the law of this stay at home order, and it's disturbing! Let's beat this thing together and the sooner we can do all of that, hopefully the sooner it'll all be over.

If you haven't already guessed, I'm all for this stay at home order and I know I'm not alone, even though sometimes I feel as if I am, that our Governor is doing a tremendous job, and I'd like to see one of his ass hole critics or one of our stupid Illinois citizens do better! He is putting lives first and I stand up for him and applaud him! People say I'd think differently if I didn't have a pregnant wife or young child at home, but you know what..I'd have the same mentality.

Yeah it sucks businesses are closing and people are on hard times, but when you hear about people blowing their bail out money on useless crap, you'll get no sympathy for me. I sometimes feel like I'm 33 going on 63 due to how I view the world but you know what, I think the world and it's inhabitants could use a little bit more of my style of thinking.

I was going to say I'm sorry if this post offends anybody but I'm not going too. This world is full of so much negativity and those who like to hide behind a computer and attack people in power like our Governor, so no, there won't be any apology.

Guess I wasn't at a loss for words after all..

A Night Cap & A Guilty Pleasure

As I sit on the couch, wife & son asleep upstairs, I all of a sudden got the urge to write. I've appreciated all of the nice texts & Facebook comments I've received so far upon my return to writing, and it means the world to me. I will be honest, this particular post isn't going to be serious, it isn't going to be about Mother's Day, it's one that I want anyone who reads to participate in.

I find myself sipping on a Quarantine Cocktail as we're calling them at work, and I find myself watching Beauty & The Beast (2017) the live action remake starring Emma Watson. It then hit me, wow, this is one of my guilty pleasure movies that I really do enjoy. So I wanted to know, what guilty pleasure cocktails & movies do you my readers like.

Now there are far more movies I will admit, I watch whenever they come on. I think to qualify, the movie doesn't necessarily have to be an Oscar Winner, a huge box office attraction, just something you like to unwind with after a long day.

One in particular that comes to the top of my brain is Grown Ups. I just love the movie Grown Ups, the film w/ Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade and more. I like the friend/family aspect and it's something I want to have one day with couple friends and our kids, one can dream right lol. I just like the humor and the stupid Dad jokes that are on display throughout the movie.

So what guilty pleasure cocktails & movies do you guys find yourself partaking in during this lovely time in our history? I want to hear all about it. Send me some pics of those drinks, send me a favorite line from that movie. Let's spread some fun and happiness on social media instead of the constant negativity I'm reading and I'm sure your coming across as well.

Comment on this particular post, or share it with me on Facebook, let's see who responds as I like you, am looking for my next night cap & guilty pleasure to enjoy!

A Letter for My Wife

So I liked the title A Letter to Bama a few weeks back, so I wanted to call this My Letter series. So of course, the most logical next Letter would be for my wife on Mother's Day!

Dear Amanda,

Where do I begin? We've been together since August 2009 and it's been a wonderful 10 plus year journey that's only starting to unfold. From getting engaged, to getting married, to having our first child together & now awaiting the arrival of our daughter, I couldn't be more excited. This is a scary time in not just our lives right now, but the entire planet, but I know we will continue to get through this day by day.

I couldn't be more excited that we are pregnant and expecting the arrival of our daughter this August, but as you know, I'm terrified. Not terrified to have a girl, but terrified of the constant unknown and fear due to this stupid virus. You are right, I will not always know how you are feeling and I won't pretend too. I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes or any pregnant woman's during a time like this. Know, that I commend you for how you've carrie yourself during this time, how strong you've been, how nuts you must feel at times for basically being under 'house arrest,' but I know you know the end goal is the same- to keep you and our baby girl safe and sound!

I can never thank you enough for that! I can never thank you enough for putting up with me, as I'll admit, I can sometimes not be the easiest person to live with, as I take things a little overboard sometimes, but as I've told you before, I'm doing it with the best intentions! I want you and our baby girl to stay safe & healthy and I will do whatever it takes, you know that! So thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for being in the house 24/7 for the past basically two months and holding it down so to speak.

I know you're missing out on seeing family, seeing friends, but know in the end, it won't be just me who thanks you, it'll be our daughter as well. We will go places, see people, and see and do as much as we can post this pandemic. You have my word on that.

I know our baby girl once she is old enough to understand will just give you the biggest of hugs and say thank you Mommy for keeping me safe during that. I will tell her, how strong & brave you were and how incredible of a job you did at keeping her safe you did!

So on Mother's Day, this is what I want to say to you. I love you with all of my heart, I appreciate everything you have sacrificed for our future daughter & I am beyond proud of everything you have accomplished and will continue to accomplish. You are an amazing wife, partner & most off all, Mother to our son! Watching you and him is something truly remarkable and special, and is something I certainly relish in every day!

Happy Mother's Day Babe, I love you so much! Thank you for being you, and thank you for everything you do for our family!

One Last Walk with Bama

So here I am, Monday night, almost 9pm, kid is in bed, wife relaxing and I want to write something, but here's the thing---I got nothing tonight. The blog lately has been a bit on the somber side, due to my Bama's passing & I didn't want to write another sad piece as I promised this blog would have some lighter sides, but lately with everything going on, its's sometimes hard to see that said light.

Literally, this is the fourth attempt at writing something. My original plan tonight was to write a blog entitled- 'What will my funeral be like?' Then with today being May 4th, I wanted to write about 'May the 4th Be With You' & discuss the Star Wars global phenomenon and what other cult classics deserve their own special day with your guys participation.

I'm having a hard time wanting to write something positive as that's just not where my mood is as of late. Today we laid Bama to rest & I have a lot of emotions about it. I'm mad that we didn't get to have a proper wake & funeral for her because she deserved more then what we were able to provide based on the pandemic. I know the people that mattered most were by her side the last week & today but I know there were others who wanted to be there but couldn't.

Making the walk from the hearse to her final resting place today was a walk that will stick with me. During that walk, all the memories that will stick with me forever kept rushing through my head. Happy memories to sad realizations overcame me during that cold brisk walk. Seeing her casket lowered into the ground was tough to watch, but knowing she's laying side by side with her husband, a couple who have been apart of almost 30 years brings a smile to my face even as I type this.

I know they, not just her, they were looking down on all of us today and that they were embracing one another and smiling, and that's how I know she's ok. This day made me think about so much. Things like what will my funeral be like? Who will be there? What will my life's impact be and what will I be remembered for? It's thoughts like that, that make me want to always be a better human being and try to do my best each and every day for my family.

This blog has been a good way for me to express feelings and I'll continue to do that here. I know brighter and happier days are ahead and I'll be looking forward to them. I'll smile, I'll probably have a tear in my eye sometime in the coming days when something makes me think of her, but Bama if you taught me one thing it's this- be strong for your family no matter what, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I am grateful you are at peace, I am grateful that today, for one last time, we got to talk one final walk together.

The day after...

So for those of you who don't know or follow me on Facebook, Bama has passed away. She went peacefully early Wednesday morning and thankfully family was around her during her final moments. I will be forever grateful I got to see her one last time the Friday before hand. Whether she recognized me or not, is a mute point as all that matters to me was I will remember her.

I won't remember how she was in her final stages of life but I will remember her during the brightest stages of her life. Giving me big kisses on the cheek, making sure I washed my hands & all the other little tidbits that will stick with me forever. I am grateful that my brother and I got to go up there yesterday and spend a few hours with family members as that was essentially her wake!

This coronavirus has changed everything hasn't it! We can't have a proper wake or a proper funeral for my Bama but in the end I'm not mad. This virus grounded a lot of us in this family. A lot of us travel for work, have hectic schedules but what this virus did allow was for most if not all of us to be there in her final days and it's something I know all of us are thankful for.

Driving home yesterday was surreal knowing she was gone, knowing I wouldn't hear her voice another time and sure it was sad, but the emotion I think I'm feeling the most the last 24 hours is happiness. Before you're all like what??? Let me explain! I'm happy because I know she's happy now! Happy she isn't having to deal with her sore leg, a bruised knee & constant in and out hospital visits to help her kidneys.

I'm happy because I know she's finally at peace & reunited up in heaven with her husband, my Papa! In the coming days as we try to make funeral arrangements it's going to be different, it's going to be difficult sure, but it's the situation we're now presented with. In the end it's what we must do, and I know when the time is right we will celebrate her life properly.

Bama I just want to let you know, I've had your hutch light on the past two days in honor of you! Your great grandson said to me yesterday, no more Boo-Boo's for great grandma and he gave you the biggest kiss.

I love you Bama, be sure to check in on us from time to time!

5-6 Pairs of Pants

I have to admit, at one point today, I was full of anger. I've been consumed by stress lately! From work, Bama's situation & the daily ongoings with this coronavirus, I sometimes forget to actually enjoy life. Feels good to kind of put that out into the atmosphere today as this blog has become my way to unload stress and speak my mind to those who care to read this blog!

To begin the day I had to go to Target for groceries and it's just crazy how long of a process it now has become from start to finish but I've talked about that before. So after working very long hours this past weekend, it was such a relief to have the day with my son. Hearing him say things now like, "Dada I don't want you to go to work" or 'Dada I missed you' it does really put things into perspective.

So today I'm in the kitchen, it's late morning and I notice the house is eerily quiet. I go downstairs to see he's not on the couch, or playing, but he's in the bathroom going potty without announcing to me he has to go! I'm like 'WTF' what is going on here. I run down there for fear he is literally peeing all over the bathroom floor, but no. There he is, with his pants and underwear mostly down and he's sitting on his big boy potty as I call it, peeing. I was like amazed by this, cause for the last few months of hardcore training he has always announced he has to go and today was the first day where that didn't happen.

I thought this could be just a one time fluke, but then it happened again and again throughout the day. Hence the title of this blog, we still couldn't quite manage the full aspect of pulling ones pants all the way down and the back of his pants would become just a little wet hence requiring a change of clothes (several times today). What made me want to write about this today was just how someone so small out of no where just change and do this all by himself. As a first time father, it's so rewarding to see it pay off and see that yeah, he's growing up before my eyes.

If this quarantine is going to teach me anything besides a new self cleaning regimen, it's that sometimes I need to turn off the news, put my phone down and realize that I have the coolest little mini me 3 year old and to enjoy every second I have with him. Him asking me to come watch the same episode of Bubble Guppies for the 10th time melts my heart and I'll always sit next to my favorite buddy no matter what. I love you buddy and thank you for always showing me what really matters in my life and that's you. I can't wait to see what you do next!

A Letter For Bama...

Let me start off by filling those in, Bama, is my Grandma. I have called her Bama since I was a baby as I couldn't say my G's correctly, so Bama (Ba-Ma, not Bama like you hear people when they reference Alabama), but moving on. She has been in an assisted living facility for a few years now and in and out of hospitals during that time as well. Today I traveled to my Aunt's house in Michigan as she has been put in Hospice care and today I went there to say what I can only assume will be my final goodbye with her. Bama, this is for you! 

Dear Bama,

Where do I begin? I was your first grandchild, one out of six. It's something that has always meant a lot to me. Being the first, being the oldest, I felt as if I had a sense of responsibility to carry on to the others. My memory of my early years is certainly a little fuzzy but I can still remember some things from personal experiences and the stories my mom has shared with me over the years. I'll share one in particular. Anytime you and Papa would be coming over to my parents house, there I would be glued to the front room window anxiously waiting for you guys to arrive. Once you arrived, the three of us would be inseparable. No matter how tired either of you were, you would play with me, follow me around the house & basically 'put up with me and my then toddler ways.' So for that, I just want to say thank you. 

In early 1991, just a few months before I turned 6, Papa died. Being so young, I didn't understand the situation but I can tell you I was devastated. As my mom told me so many times, him and I had a bond that couldn't be broken. He was my hero and I wish I got to spend more time with him. I wish he could of seen me grow up, get married and hold my son like he held me. That would of been a moment in time that would of lasted with me forever & is one I'll sadly never get to have. Papa, know that I love you and I'm very excited your wife will be by your side in the coming days or whenever the good Lord takes her. Excited you may be thinking. It would be selfish of me to keep wanting Bama down here any longer as she has been without her other half for almost 20 years, but I'll move on. 

As my brother and I got older, we would be over at your house more for sleep overs and so many things stand out. Your strict eating schedule and making sure we washed our hands and face extensively upon being done with our dinner. She is a very strict, but fun loving Italian woman, you could eat off her garage floor, it was that clean. Getting a special treat for dessert was always something my brother and I looked forward to. Had to clean your plate, otherwise you'd be left with nothing. Sleep overs were a blast, you made it so much fun and it's something I'll take with me forever. 

Finding your treat drawer during my youth and high school days as well...I always knew Bama would have something at her house and we went for a quick visit, sure enough, there were some Tootsie Pops. She knows orange is my favorite sucker, so for each and every one of my birthday's what would be attached to my present---an Orange Tootsie Pop! Something I'm sure will hit me hard on my birthday this year will be when my phone is silent and I don't get my annual birthday song from you. I have received it 33 years in a row & as I got older, sure it seemed a little silly, but it's one of those special touches I will take with me & never forget. 

As I got older and started working & dating & worrying about my social life, I could of visited more. I could of popped in for a quick visit & I could of called more and for that I apologize Bama. 

We now fast forward to present day. This is going to be tough. I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. I want you to know that anytime I hear a Johnny Mathis song, it will stop me in my tracks and it takes me back to your house as a kid. I can only imagine the raw emotion I will feel when I hear one for the first time on the radio this Christmas and know you aren't around to enjoy it with me. I will miss rubbing your lipstick from my cheek after saying hello. I will miss you calling me Nick (my cousin) and then realizing it was Tim. I said it earlier and I said it again, my 34th birthday this June will be a little difficult this year knowing I won't hear your voice to wish me a happy birthday. I am so glad that I took your dining room hutch, as it sits in my living room and when I open the doors, I can still smell the smell of your house. I turn the light on almost every night in it, as it makes me think of you. 

I can't ask you to keep fighting as that would be selfish of me. You have a wonderful husband, father of three daughters, grandfather of six & great grandfather of 6, waiting for you to be back in his arms and I can't ask you to keep hanging on anymore. You deserve to rid yourself of this constant pain, hospital visits & suffering. You have left an amazing impact on my life & I hope you know that. Seeing you today and realizing that realisticly this was our final encounter is crushing. I have had tears in my eyes the entire time writing this. I want you to go and be at peace as you deserve it. You have been fighting for so long and it's time for you to find happiness and finally rest. When you see Papa again, I hope, no I know it'll be the most special moment for each of you and a part of me wishes I was there to see it. I'm sad you won't be around for the birth of my daughter this August, but I promise she'll be raised right and I'll make sure the values you taught me, will be engraved in her & in my son as well. I hope you both check in on us from time to time and I hope you both know that I love you and will think of you each and every day.

For those of us still down here, it's going to suck, it's going to be a difficult time for a while but knowing your at peace, knowing your not hurting anymore & again, knowing your reunited with Papa will be what helps ease this pain I'm personally feeling. As I told you today when I squeezed your hand for one last time, I love you Bama. 

In a time full of noise, just listen

So I wish I could say that the title of this post was some witty line I just came up with but it's not. Instead, it's a line from Be A Light by Thomas Rhett and it's the driving force behind this late night post. I used to be one of those people who would just casually read others comments on select postings on social media sites, mainly Facebook, but lately I've found myself chiming in more then ever before!

I've discovered that there is just so much stupidity, negativity and down right arrogant people in this world it makes me sick. Take for instance our state Governor. Say what you will, I think he has done a pretty good job at trying to keep this state and it's people safe. Yes I know businesses are hurting, the economy is failing but this virus is taking grip on it's citizens and if we're not careful it could impact us harder than most experts forecasted.

But anyways, back to my original point. Some of these peoples comments about how he sucks, he has no clue what he's doing and that we should just go about our normal day are just utterly disturbing! I know everyone's situation is different but if some ass hole were to walk by me while let's say grocery shopping and cough without any sort of protection on, I'd have the urge to beat the shit out of the guy! I have a 3 year old & a pregnant wife at home, and this is why taking every precaution I can is of the utmost importance to me.

There are far too many people not taking this seriously and it pisses the living hell out of me. There will never be another event like this in most of our lifetimes and the negativity people are displaying to those in power who make these decisions is just down right horrible. Yes, I know it's a free country and I might piss some people off with this comment, but am I proud to be an American? At the moment, I'm disgusted to be associated with some of this countries citizens. No one could of known how to deal with this, I don't care who you are. But to attack people on a daily basis just down right proves to me which I've been feeling for years, not just recently, that this world is full of selfish, arrogant and down right disgusting human beings.

People have told me, put yourself in the shoes of someone not fortunate enough to be working and you know what my response is--I'd have to find a way to make it! I will stand up and shout from my roof top that I think the Governor of this state is doing an incredible job and am hoping this Stay at Home Order continues as long as it needs to because as I said, the safety of my family comes above all else. I have posted that on social media only to be attacked by those whose opinion differs then mine. I'll reply in kind, but then there are times where I find myself wanting to question their intelligence. I don't cause I'm not gonna publicly berate someone like that.

To quote Thomas Rhett, 'In a world full of hate be a light.' This world could use a heavy dose of a bright light right now instead of it being consumed by darkness. This world will survive, but sadly, there are those who won't learn anything from this because they live in their tiny little bubbles. I am grateful each and every day that my family and I are healthy and safe and those around me are the same.

Let's all try to put our blinders up to hate & remember what's important during times like these!

February 1st, 2019: A weight loss journey!

Can you think back to New Years Day of 2019? I can, it's a day that like all of you reading this right now, made a New Years resolution and swore to keep it going. Well, to repeat myself, like all of you reading this right now, you probably failed to deliver on that resolution and found yourself saddened or disappointed. I will raise my hand and shout guilty as charged as my resolution was to finally lose weight & I never even started to try!

So then came along February 1st, 2019 and I'm not sure why but I looked at myself in the mirror & literally asked myself- do you want to die early in life from something like being obese (which according to by BMI index I was) & man is that just depressing in itself or do you want to get up off your ass an do something about it! So that day I decided to install the My Fitness Pal app and log my starting weight. Now I haven't really shared that starting figure with a lot of people as it's something I'm truly embarrassed about and for sake of my sanity, let's just say it's a high number.

So on that morning I logged my starting weight and set up a daily calorie goal based on wanting to lose two pounds a week. I knew the cold turkey method would only drive me back to old ways so I decided to start slow. I never really was a breakfast person unless I was at work & those choices weren't always the healthiest of ones, so I decided to do some research. Before I forget, I have to thank one person in particular, I won't mention any last names but Michelle, I can't even begin to thank you for all of your assistance during this ongoing journey. Your own weight loss story, personal experiences & recommendations for protein powders to recipes forever changed my life & I could never ever repay you.

From there I had to eliminate my crack, my niche, my drug- MOUNTAIN DEW! Talk about withdrawals, at any given point in the day in my past I was probably drinking anywhere from 4-5 cans a day without blinking an eye, probably a little bit higher on some days at work as we have it on the fountain guns and would just add a splash here and a splash there. So I went to Diet Mt. Dew, again they say this isn't the best alternative but as I don't drink coffee, I had to find something to help with the caffeine addiction to start my morning otherwise cue a headache. After about a week or two of it, it turned out it was actually kind of a breeze, much to my surprise, so that was another road block hurdled.

Now came probably the most challenging part of the entire thing- WORK! For those of you who don't know I work in a restaurant five days a week and am surrounded by temptation! Literally a menu full of delicious, mostly unhealthy options for someone looking to lose weight and change his lifestyle. So I said hello to some new friends- bagged lunches from home, salads & chicken! It was the ultimate mental tug of war. There were days where I wanted to say fuck it, I give up, but I would always think about one thing- do you want to see your son grow up and his kids grow up? Call me crazy, but it worked.

Sure the food cravings didn't end after a day, a week or a month but over time my cravings for the junk food were eliminated due to seeing results on the scale. I wanted to lose 50 lbs by Jan 1, 2020 and I actually lost 50 lbs with like 8 weeks to spare & I decided to keep going. Constant walks outside w/ my son in the stroller and using the Bowflex bike I purchased for Christmas this past year, it was all the motivation I needed to keep going.

So what has the endgame results been- I'm proud to say that at my highest I've lost 73 lbs in just about 13-14 months. For those of you who've ever said you look great, keep it up or any other positive words of encouragement it was the fuel that kept me going through all of this and I truly mean that. Hearing positive well wishes was such a motivator I can't begin to describe it. For those of you thinking about making a change you owe it to yourself to try it & STICK with it. Sure results won't happen over night and they might not happen in a month or two, but if you look at yourself in the mirror and reach down deep, you can achieve anything you set your mind too.

I have never looked better, felt better or had more energy and I need it more then ever w/ my son running around and keeping me young! That's it, that's my secret path I took when this all began. So what's your New Years Resolution going to be come 2021 and will you stick with it?

Poop in the Potty

So today was a milestone in the life of my son---you guessed it by the title, he pooped on his 'Big Boy' Potty, not once, but twice! This has been a battle in every sense of the word, and I mean BATTLE!

My son has been a creature of habit, I wonder where he gets it from...'Like Father Like Son.' But today over at Grandma's house & then again at home for mommy tonight, he went poop on the potty and hopefully it's the turning of a new page after what's been a several month battle. It's truly amazing isn't it? That someone in our lives can be so young and have such a determination not to change!

Being a dad has without question been the most awarding and gratifying experience of my life so far and I wouldn't trade it for anything! The little moments can make the darkest days gone in the blink of an eye. Getting home from a long day and him running to the door and wanting me to pick him up screaming Daddy is truly one of the best things I've ever experienced.

I'd like to rewind a bit as this late night post has got the juices flowing and it was brought to my attention today that people wanted a 'Feel Good' post in scary times we live in so I'll tell you all a tale.

For those who don't know, my son was born in 2017 a week before St. Patrick's Day. My wife and I struggled to conceive naturally and after about 8-9 months of doing it the old fashioned way, we went on a medicine and low and behold, we conceived after being on it for just a month, it was truly a miracle, one I thank God for every day as others haven't been as fortunate.

Over the past three years I've watched not just my son grow into a fun loving toddler, but I myself have done some major growing up as well. I was and for the most part am still a hardcore worrier but he's my first born son and I'll never stop being that way. It's my job as his Dad to be his protector and it's a job that I love. Little moments from his first roll over, his first laugh, first word (which was Dada) & the way him and I today fake wrestle, it's stuff that truly brings light and joy into my life during this crazy time in our world.

It's the way we hold a conversation now during an entire car ride over to Nana & Papa's house about what we see out the window or asking me to play Baby Shark on my phone, it's amazing that stuff like this is happening as he's discovering new words and trying to formulate his own questions and sentences.

Being a dad of one in the beginning seemed daunting and scary but with each passing day and truly having an amazing wife/best friend/amazing mother to our little guy it certainly helped. With a second one on the way, our family will become even more complete than I ever thought possible. Will I still worry and be fearful at times, yes considering the circumstances we find ourselves in now is daunting & scary.

I'm grateful that my pregnant wife is working from home, grateful for her sacrifices of being stuck inside all day & most of all for taking care of our son on days where I'm gone for hours on end even though I know she's both physically & mentally exhausted. Our son, our future daughter & your husband are beyond grateful and we all love you so much!

That's what is most important in life right now- family! Remember to say I love you to someone you may not have in a while, remember to stop & cherish a little moment with that special someone or in my case that little person in your life & just remember that while times are tough one day soon, we will all be able to just flush these bad memories down life's toilet!