Friday, June 5, 2020

Fork In the Road

Just wanted to write tonight, I literally don't have a direction for this post but just felt as if I needed an escape so here I am. Lately I've been having a lot of anxiety building up in me. From the stress of the world, the stress of my job & the stress of always worrying about things I feel like a rubber band at times ready to snap at a moment's notice. 

The fear of the unknown has always made me feel a little on edge and lately it just seems to have caught up with me internally. I'm not going to lie I feel as if for the first time in a long time my future seems a bit foggy and not as clear as I would like it to be. People say things, do things and it just gets to me internally and like a tick it buries itself in my brain and then of course, the wheels begin to turn!

How do people silence the thoughts and quiet their minds? For me it can be super difficult at times and it gets frustrating. It's like a little voice inside your head that no matter how hard you try and silence it's always there reminding you it's there. This pandemic has sent shock waves throughout the entire world and not knowing one's future is a scary thing. 

As I type this now, I just have gotten home from a 13 hour day and have to in turn be back to work bright and early tomorrow morning for a whopping 14-15 hour day. Don't get me wrong I'm lucky to have a job and a steady paycheck, but the time away from my son weighs on my mind during times like these. Questions like- is it worth it? Are working these long days paying off? I'm not trying to get sympathy, again, this is my outlet for writing and expressing what's going on in my life right now. I look around me at times and I'll be honest, I feel as if I give it my all and try so damn hard, why doesn't everyone commit to goals like I do?

Not everyone is wired the same way I understand that, it just in a world we live in today, where jobs are at the moment hard to come by, you wish you'd see people go the extra mile and commit more. I've often wondered what else I'd wanna do if something presented itself to me and while scary it's also kind of intriguing at the same time. If you told me back in 2008 when I graduated from college that I'd be doing what I'm doing now- I would of told you- you're crazy. I went to college with a passion for journalism with hopes of one day making it as an Entertainment writer or to have my own radio show/podcast. 

I did both those things and I'll be honest, I think I excelled at both while I did them and I miss them both pretty terribly to be honest. I wish I was a critic who people turned too about TV & Movies or could speak up on my own radio show about funny topics and of course some of the serious stuff as well. 

Who knows what path I'll end up on down the road, but I know whatever it is I'll commit to it 100%. This could be just a fork in the road right now but I sure hope it's smooth sailing after whatever side of the road I choose to venture down. 


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