Now I know this might seem silly to some and honestly while she was here I at times thought it was silly as well. I would be like ok I'm too old for this but wow do life's events change one's perspective on things. This will be my first birthday without her in my life and tomorrow I won't get that special phone call from her. I won't get to hear her voice sing me happy birthday, call me Timmy at the end of the song like she did for years and it's just a thought that's overtaken me the last two to three days.
I've caught myself looking at my phone a few times today just thinking about it and as I type this now, my eyes are beginning to water because I realize now more then ever how much of an impact Bama had on my life and how special it was to hear her voice on my birthday and it's all gone. Not a day goes by where I haven't thought about her. Her hutch sits in my living room and I try to turn it on each and every night I'm home in honor of her and to make it feel like she's here with me and my family.
Tomorrow is just going to be a little difficult if I'm being honest. Sure I'll get texts/calls from family & friends, but it's the one call I won't get that's going to put a bit of a damper on my birthday. Funny how the little things we sometimes take for granted often hurt once they are gone. This year there won't be a card in the mail from her, an orange sucker taped to a Fannie-Mae chocolate box, there will be a hole that can't be filled this year. I know with time this hole will close a little bit but it'll never completely heal and I welcome it. Never will I forget the special moments/phone calls we shared on each and everyone of my previous 33 birthday's.
I'm not going to lie, I've felt like a different person lately. The stresses of work, the pandemic, this pregnancy, I sometimes feel like I'm trying to be Superman but even Superman needs help. I don't think I ever truly got the chance to really process everything around Bama's death because how can I? We didn't get to have a wake due to restrictions during these crazy times and it just feels like the goodbye process was kinda taken from me in a way. It's like something's been clawing in the back of my mind just wanting to get out and my emotions let's face it, feel like a yo-yo at times. Going from one direction to the next.
I keep telling myself things will get back to the way they were but they might never. I would of loved to hear Bama's voice tomorrow for such selfish reasons. Sure she might of forgotten who she was calling as her memory was a bit foggy in recent months but it wouldn't of mattered. I would of sat through her singing and at the end told her what I always did, thanks Bama. We would talk about what I was going to do that day or evening and I would ask her how she's feeling. That's not going to happen tomorrow or ever again actually and it's just tough to deal with right now.
I want to mention one thing that absolutely blew me away today. One of the neighbor mom's as I like to refer to them :) messaged me on Facebook the other day randomly saying she had left me a gift to be picked up at my in-laws. I was at first surprised and was like ok and she said it was in honor of Bama as she had read my blog and told me it was moving to her. So today I go to the in-laws to drop off my son and what is waiting for me there, a gift bag packed to the top with just one item- Orange Tootsie Pop's! The suckers Bama would tape to all my presents as a child, teen and adult. I had to fight back a tear on the drive to work as I had one of those suckers and looked up to the sky and made a quick toast with an orange tootsie pop. So thank you Mrs. A for one of the greatest gifts I could've gotten this year. It's meaning and sentiment will stick with me for a very long time.
So Bama, I'll be sad tomorrow not to get your call but I know you'll be up there singing to me in that sweet sweet voice of yours. I love you and thank you for always calling me...I will miss it more than anything.
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