Dear Bama,
Where do I begin? I was your first grandchild, one out of six. It's something that has always meant a lot to me. Being the first, being the oldest, I felt as if I had a sense of responsibility to carry on to the others. My memory of my early years is certainly a little fuzzy but I can still remember some things from personal experiences and the stories my mom has shared with me over the years. I'll share one in particular. Anytime you and Papa would be coming over to my parents house, there I would be glued to the front room window anxiously waiting for you guys to arrive. Once you arrived, the three of us would be inseparable. No matter how tired either of you were, you would play with me, follow me around the house & basically 'put up with me and my then toddler ways.' So for that, I just want to say thank you.
In early 1991, just a few months before I turned 6, Papa died. Being so young, I didn't understand the situation but I can tell you I was devastated. As my mom told me so many times, him and I had a bond that couldn't be broken. He was my hero and I wish I got to spend more time with him. I wish he could of seen me grow up, get married and hold my son like he held me. That would of been a moment in time that would of lasted with me forever & is one I'll sadly never get to have. Papa, know that I love you and I'm very excited your wife will be by your side in the coming days or whenever the good Lord takes her. Excited you may be thinking. It would be selfish of me to keep wanting Bama down here any longer as she has been without her other half for almost 20 years, but I'll move on.
As my brother and I got older, we would be over at your house more for sleep overs and so many things stand out. Your strict eating schedule and making sure we washed our hands and face extensively upon being done with our dinner. She is a very strict, but fun loving Italian woman, you could eat off her garage floor, it was that clean. Getting a special treat for dessert was always something my brother and I looked forward to. Had to clean your plate, otherwise you'd be left with nothing. Sleep overs were a blast, you made it so much fun and it's something I'll take with me forever.
Finding your treat drawer during my youth and high school days as well...I always knew Bama would have something at her house and we went for a quick visit, sure enough, there were some Tootsie Pops. She knows orange is my favorite sucker, so for each and every one of my birthday's what would be attached to my present---an Orange Tootsie Pop! Something I'm sure will hit me hard on my birthday this year will be when my phone is silent and I don't get my annual birthday song from you. I have received it 33 years in a row & as I got older, sure it seemed a little silly, but it's one of those special touches I will take with me & never forget.
As I got older and started working & dating & worrying about my social life, I could of visited more. I could of popped in for a quick visit & I could of called more and for that I apologize Bama.
We now fast forward to present day. This is going to be tough. I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. I want you to know that anytime I hear a Johnny Mathis song, it will stop me in my tracks and it takes me back to your house as a kid. I can only imagine the raw emotion I will feel when I hear one for the first time on the radio this Christmas and know you aren't around to enjoy it with me. I will miss rubbing your lipstick from my cheek after saying hello. I will miss you calling me Nick (my cousin) and then realizing it was Tim. I said it earlier and I said it again, my 34th birthday this June will be a little difficult this year knowing I won't hear your voice to wish me a happy birthday. I am so glad that I took your dining room hutch, as it sits in my living room and when I open the doors, I can still smell the smell of your house. I turn the light on almost every night in it, as it makes me think of you.
I can't ask you to keep fighting as that would be selfish of me. You have a wonderful husband, father of three daughters, grandfather of six & great grandfather of 6, waiting for you to be back in his arms and I can't ask you to keep hanging on anymore. You deserve to rid yourself of this constant pain, hospital visits & suffering. You have left an amazing impact on my life & I hope you know that. Seeing you today and realizing that realisticly this was our final encounter is crushing. I have had tears in my eyes the entire time writing this. I want you to go and be at peace as you deserve it. You have been fighting for so long and it's time for you to find happiness and finally rest. When you see Papa again, I hope, no I know it'll be the most special moment for each of you and a part of me wishes I was there to see it. I'm sad you won't be around for the birth of my daughter this August, but I promise she'll be raised right and I'll make sure the values you taught me, will be engraved in her & in my son as well. I hope you both check in on us from time to time and I hope you both know that I love you and will think of you each and every day.
For those of us still down here, it's going to suck, it's going to be a difficult time for a while but knowing your at peace, knowing your not hurting anymore & again, knowing your reunited with Papa will be what helps ease this pain I'm personally feeling. As I told you today when I squeezed your hand for one last time, I love you Bama.
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