What a day..

Wow, has it really been since November since I've posted something? Forgive me friends as the holidays took over & my focus was elsewhere. I want to talk a little about today- spoiler alert- it's about the Inauguration. As I've stated in other blogs, I don't pretend to know a ton about politics but if there's one thing I'll say about Trump, he got me watching and engaged with politics more in my life then ever before.  

Fast forward to today, I was watching the Inauguration from work like most of you I'm sure were as well. Such a strange site, scratch that, not so strange anymore to see social distancing as it's become our new way of life...instead of seeing a packed Capitol we saw it mostly empty dressed with flags and a small crowd. I'll admit it and I'm not ashamed to admit- I voted for Biden. I was ecstatic to see him win and take office w/ hopes of him bringing back peace & balance to this country that has been left divided to say the least. 

Before I continue, this isn't a post to bash the former President, this blog is just how I felt and how I perceived today. It was a rather powerful, authentic & if I'm being honest a bit of a moving day today. To see our first Female Vice President get sworn in followed by our new President being sworn in, it struck a chord in me that made me feel hope again for this country. I've always been a fan of Lady Gaga and by God did she slay it today! You could see the pure nervousness in her face and the raw emotion that came across her performance as she performed for the most powerful people in the world. My hat is off to her. 

Are things going to be solved over night, absolutely not...I'm not naive nor was I born yesterday. But I have hope, hope that this administration will put the American people back as the focus and that we will once and for all rid ourselves of the virus and get back to way things used to be. After all, what else is more pressing in our society today then getting people healthy and getting people back to work and the world reopened? 

That's all I got for tonight, I just wanted to put some thoughts to digital paper. Stay safe & healthy everyone, I'm going to try my best to become more active again on this blog. 

TK

Hello Darkness My Old Friend..

 It's been a minute my dear blog followers, however many of you there are??? Life has been...hectic, chaotic, depressing, challenging...the list can go on and on. A lot has happened in the last three months, yeah it's been that long since I've posted anything. The inner journalist in me has been dying to come out so I find myself sitting in the basement, white claw in hand penning some thoughts for the world to read. 2020, it's truly the year that none of us will ever soon forget. It's been a glorious year in some ways at least for me thanks to the birth of my now 3 month old daughter who has forever stolen my heart! And in other ways it's been the worst year of most of our lives. 

Covid, covid, covid. It's the word of not just 2020 but the word of forever if that makes any sense to you guys. It has forever altered our daily lives in every which way and it's hard to see the light at this very ever -lasting tunnel. Not to mention we just had an election that will go down in history for numerous reasons. I'm not here to get political or talk about how Covid in great detail but since it's been a while, there are certainly some things I need to get off my chest. 

This Presidential election was fascinating to watch unfold. I for one, did my part and submitted my mail-in ballot which was hopefully correctly counted :) and like most people sat in front of my TV and watched CNN for the next several days waiting for the numerous projections and just riveted watching Wolf & John go over the states. I'm not going to say who I voted for, pretty obvious if you know me but I'm truly hoping that Biden can restore some grace & dignity to this country after you know who has made a complete and utter mockery of what it means to be the Leader of the Free world. Did he do some good things during his time in office, yeah I guess, but the way he has carried himself these last what 10-14 days has been nothing short of disgraceful and down right disgusting. 

You've lost, accept it and let's move on with all of our daily lives, yourself included. That's the last thing I'll say about that. I hope that real change comes over the next 4 years I really do. I like most of us hope for a safer and brighter tomorrow, great health care and most importantly a return to normalcy and the end of this pandemic. I don't pretend to know the answer to this pandemic as I've stated on my Facebook page before, and quite honestly neither do the so called experts but with a promising vaccine on the horizon, some of darkness might finally start to giveaway to some rays of hope. 

This pandemic has shown me the good in some, but the selfishness in most. By this I mean, it's truly disgusting to me that people like to blame our state officials for hindering their freedoms, but are you kidding me? It's people who are the problem during this pandemic and the fact that they just can't put aside simple pleasures, wear a fucking mask & do their part. Working in the service industry during this time has made me almost develop a hatred for people, I'm not going to lie. I've thought about keeping that last point to myself but it's nice to put it into legit thoughts. The number of times people come into the establishment not wearing a mask and acting dumb founded by it was truly astronomical. Are you just that fucking stupid, arrogant or perhaps selfish? 

People showed that they just don't give a shit so when it came time to tell people to wear a mask, I in turn didn't give a shit either. Look, I'm trying to keep my family safe & that comes above anyone or anything and just wish others could wear a mask instead of saying it's impacting their freedom...give me a freaking break! I hate the fact that I'm not seeing friends, going to the movies or whatever. I'm following the rules and trying to do my part but when I hear others are still going out, businesses are staying open, having people over at their home it makes me angry. It's part of the problem & not the solution. I don't wish for anyone to have to close a business down or worse get this virus...yes I know the recovery rate is great but for some it's not and why risk it, that's my thinking in this. I find myself at times asking myself am I insane, am I becoming too recluse that I need to venture out and I sometimes want to say yes but then when my daughter looks at me and gives me the smiles it's in that moment that I'm reminded this is why I wear a mask and sanitize my hands like crazy. 

Don't get me wrong, I hate, I mean hate the fact that my 3 year old son hasn't had a normal year but so have a ton of other kids. I'm thankful beyond belief that he's so small and will have no memory of this when he's older other then learning about it in school one day cause my heart literally breaks for him. People have said, oh you can still do things with him and blah blah blah but it's not worth the risk of him possibly getting this or worse his baby sister. It's been tough at times for me to keep my mouth shut watching others go out and about and do things but it's not my place. Again, everyone has their comfort levels and they are entitled to them, but people need to start to listen to health experts and stay home so we can beat this thing. Support small locally owned businesses, I for one will not be supporting anyone who chooses to remain open during this when they shouldn't be but that's just me. 

With Thanksgiving just around the corner I only fear this is going to get much worse before it gets better because yet again, people won't listen and just go out and about like nothing is going on and ruin it for those who may be sick or are just trying to keep their loved ones safe & healthy. Man does it feel good to be writing again. It's a skill that I miss putting to use on a daily basis like I did back in the day. There are times where I wish I could go back in time and change my major but in the end, I like to believe things work out the way they are supposed to. 

With the holiday's around the corner, I just hope everyone can take a step back and really think to themselves long and hard- what's most important to them this year. We've all been through the mill and back and I really want to believe 2021 is going to be amazing for so many reasons but we're not there yet. We're all never going to agree with one another and that's fine and dandy, but to see the negativity on a daily basis has turned the good in all of us sour. There is so much hate in the world it's hard not to cave into that darkness at times. Blaming others for the mistakes of the many is very hard to do. It's such a toxic world we live in and I truly like I said earlier am fortunate that my two small kids are just that, small & will not know what transpired during these last several months. 

All I want this holiday season is to give my family the best Christmas possible by doing it the safest way possible. That might mean not seeing family, going places but that's ok. There will be future holidays & times to get together but right now, we all need to do our part. For those of you who actually read this I'm grateful. This isn't to start a back and forth debate, this is just my platform that helps me unwind after months of being consumed by the darkness....

Emma

 It's a day I won't ever forget...August 6th, 2020. My daughter Emma Rae was born right around 2:09pm and like I said I'll never forget it. This time around it was so much different. This for those who don't know, is my second child, my first was our son Parker and we were to be surprised at his birth as we didn't know the gender, but this time around we found out that we were having a girl. 

In this messed up world we live in, I didn't think I could find so much joy but let me tell you I have. When she was born, I was completely and utterly overcome with emotion and I cried, and I cried hard. Tears of joy, relief and just a sigh of relief that this was all over and that our baby girl had entered this world. I've been seeing the term 'Girl Dad' trending for a while now and I thought it was kind of silly but becoming a father to this sweet and perfect little girl has changed me in ways that my son didn't and I didn't think were possible. 

The emotion that I was overcome with was literally out of no where. Seeing her face, hearing her cry & holding her for the first time, man it almost still gets me right now as I type this. Being pregnant during this Covid era in our lives was scary enough, and if I don't say it enough, to my wife, the way you handled yourself during this pregnancy, I will always be eternally grateful and I love you more then you could ever know. You are beyond brave, strong & an amazing mother of 2! 

As I type this now, my sweet pea, that's the nickname I've adapted for her, lies on my stomach after taking down a bottle and as I listen to her little snores/heavy breathing, the craziness I put myself through & my wife was so worth it. Becoming a girl dad has been an absolute blessing and I couldn't have asked for anything more. Already, there isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep my baby girl safe. She is my world and I her protector. 

The day of her birth was pretty standard/typical and I have to give a huge glowing shoutout to the nurse team we had at the hospital as they were terrific. They made sure everything went smoothly as it could and always kept my wife and babies safety at the forefront. Words still can't express the emotion and love I have for her...from her little looks she shoots me, to the way her head turns as I talk to her & how she gives me those post bottle smirks it's a feeling of joy that I honestly haven't felt in a long time. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my son more then anything as well, but with the negativity presented in this world on a day to day basis, this was the beacon of hope & joy that I desperately needed. Watching my son become a big brother and meeting her for the first time was another joy that I won't soon forget and he has taken to becoming a big brother, at least most of the time....he does have his moments still. 

I've been gone from the blog for a while but as my sleep has returned a little bit, so has my desire to start writing again and not wanting to go to sleep by like 9pm. I hope you guys are all staying safe & I hope to hear from you all soon.

1243 Days

That's a number I'll admit I had to look up tonight. I've been doing a lot of dwelling lately. Dwelling on the past, the present & the future. 1243 days ago my life changed forever. That was the day my son was born. I've had him now for 1243 days. 

During that time I've learned a lot, experienced a lot & def have grown a lot! He has taught me unconditional love, patience, kindness, sweetness & so much more. These 1243 days with him have been the greatest of my life thus far and in just a few short days he's going to become a big brother and me a father again this time to my daughter. There have been days that have been challenging to say the least, I'm sure all parents will attest to that, but then there are days like today, where faith is restored and it's all worth it. I have been gone a lot cause of work lately and have been off the last few days and I love it when he's super clingy to me and wants to play with Dada. 

We built forts, went on walks and played in the backyard this weekend, he even got to push daddy's lawn mower today for a few laps up and down the backyard and as I pushed that with him and he looked back and looked up at me, I realized I am truly blessed and fortunate. Fortunate for a healthy & loving son who sure may tests us more now then ever before, but I keep telling myself there is light at the end of these struggles. I know that one day soon, he'll start to try new foods, use the toilet for number 2 more constantly, it'll all work itself out. I have learned so much these past 3 plus years and I know there's more to come with not just him, but then a baby girl on the horizon as well. 

What will life be like? What's going to change? Is everything going to change? How is he going to be? Will he be jealous, loving, caring? It's these things and so much more that excite me about becoming a father again and this time it's more special as we will get to share this experience with him and watch him and his little sister interact and grow up together. The moment I keep thinking about is the moment when he will first meet her. Sure, he's heard us talking about baby sister in mommy's tummy for months now, but to truly see it will be something completely different. 

We are no longer just going to be a family of 3, we're expanding and I for one welcome it. The joy of this is subdued a little bit w/ this pandemic sure, but it's not going to keep our excitement down I'll tell ya that. In a world that's full of hate, disgusting groups of people and morons who refuse to wake up during such times, this is the bright spot I know I've been searching for and praying for. I have protected my son from the dangers of this world for 1243 days and while his count will continue, a new one, one for my daughter is set to begin any day now. 

I will be taking some time off for the next week or two but I promise to return to the blog and write about even more new experiences. Until then, stay safe & see everyone soon. 

Tim

Happy Birthday Bama

Hello readers,

It's late and I haven't posted in ten days but today I felt I wanted to write something short and sweet. Today would of marked Bama's 90th Birthday. I've been thinking about her a lot as of late. She is with me everyday as the little prayer necklace she gave me still hangs from my rear view mirror to this day. It's been with me since I was 16 in my first car. I look at it daily and it generally brings a smile to my face. Her hutch sits in my living room and tonight as I do most night's I'm home, turned the light on and just stared into the hutch at her picture. 

I wonder what she's been up to, I wonder how she's doing...I just wonder. I can't explain it, but we all at times I think stop to think about loved ones we've lost. I believe in spirits and that people who have passed on have sometimes come back to visit us. Whether it's in a little way you can't explain to just something you know they had a hand in. I haven't had one of those experiences yet with Bama in particular but I know it'll come one day. 

I know she'll be there watching over my baby girl being born in just a matter of 2 weeks now. My heart breaks a little bit knowing she will never get to hold her & see her in person, but I know she'll be there that day to see her and it comforts me. 

I just wanted to take a minute tonight to get some feelings out and wish Bama a Happy Birthday! I miss you everyday Bama and know you're in such a better place. I will have an Orange Tootsie Pop tomorrow in your honor. Check in on us from time to time okay? 

Love you.

Scales & Tunnels

For those who don't know, I started out 2019 with the hopes of sticking to a New Years Resolution to lose weight...yeah been there heard that right? Well it's true, and I like most people let the first month of 2019 go bye and I didn't stick to it at all. I continued to eat what I wanted too, drink occasionally (Love craft beer) & didn't exercise.

Well fast forward to Feb 1, 2019; something about that day that will stick with me til I'm gone. I decided to pursue my original New Years resolution and diet. So I set the bar high and wanted to lose 50 lbs by 1-1-20. Well, not only did I do that come October or so, but I at one point got to like 73 lbs lost.

Now here we sit, July 13th, 2020 and I'm hovering around 66 lbs lost or so and I can't help but be a little mad at myself. Mad at the fact that I've put a few pounds on during the pandemic, mad that no matter what I seem to do lately, the scale just goes up 1 this week, and down 1 the next week. Truth be told, it's making me stressed out beyond belief & like I did with our first pregnancy I turned to eating. My son's pregnancy was a very challenging one to say the least and I did what I did to deal with the stress and that was ate.

This pregnancy however, I've battled some inner and personal demons and haven't returned to that thank god! So that's a win all in to itself, but the struggle, the little voice inside my head is always there trying to get it's way. I've managed to basically quite soda, and for those who knew me growing up, Mountain Dew was like my drug of choice. Would drink so many of those each and every day without blinking an eye. It was my coffee in the morning because I don't drink coffee and needed that caffeine fix to get my day started. So to keep that addiction at bay is something I'm very proud of. Sure, I'll have a Diet Coke here and there, but hey it's Diet and 0 calories :)

The urge to eat does sometimes try to take advantage of me as well and I've struggled at times sure, but then the guilt and overall shame I feel at that week's weigh in assuming it's positive is what drives me to not give into to temptation. So when I found out we were pregnant this go around I swore to myself that I wouldn't put a bunch of weight on like I did in 2017 and I haven't. Then March 2020 rolled around and Covid came into our lives. I stopped doing my exercise bike as I couldn't turn away from the nightly news and wanting to know everything there was to know about this disease. My hours changed at work, so I found myself eating one meal a day so that in a way was kind of a blessing, but it's always been a struggle.

I've rediscovered the Bowflex bike again and have found that I'm back to exercising at least 3-4 days a week. The thoughts of going back, seeing old pictures of myself almost 70 lbs heavier is what drives me. I've learned to impose my will power again when it comes to food & drinks.

It's amazing how the mind can manipulate you, am I right? I'm excited for the arrival of my daughter in just a few short weeks as I need to get rid of this negativity cloud that's been hovering over me I feel like for months. I have let the outside world consume me for far too long as of late & there are days where I'm ok with it but there are times where it eats at me. It's been hard not to see family, hang out with friends & go to the movies with my buddies. Most of us, not all, keep saying there will eventually be light at the end of this dark everlasting tunnel, but if you're like me, it's hard to see it. It breaks my heart that my son hasn't been able to go visit his cousins and having to explain to him the Germies as we call it. He I think in his own little way understands that what Daddy/Mommy are doing is to keep him safe & one day it'll all be over and life will return to some symbol of normalcy.

I know there are people who have ridiculed me behind my back, hell, I've even have people said it to me, that I'm over reacting, you can't live in a bubble. Well guess what, I am & will continue to do so because it keeps my family safe from the irresponsible ass holes in this world that I see on a daily basis. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting darker by the minute from what you hear on the news. Experts of every major medical professional organization are saying the end of this is far from over. You're damn right that's terrifying considering my daughter is a month away from coming into this world. I will continue to do what I've been doing since March and probably amp it up because I will do whatever is necessary to keep my family safe from this virus. If that means people don't like what I'm doing, if that means their feelings get hurt, so be it.

I sound like a broken record but it is what it is. I titled this post scale for numerous reasons. The struggle I've had as of late to keep the weight gain at bay, the scale of new life & the scale of new horizons. The phrase- 'Light at the end of the tunnel.' It's a powerful phrase when you stop and think about it. We all have our tunnels in life. Some may be short, some may be winding & some may be long. Whatever the size of your tunnel, whatever the size of the boulders keeping you from reaching the end & seeing the light- the fight is worth it & the results are worth every scratch & claw struggle along it's way!

You Shall Not Pass...

Forgive the title of this blog as it's a quote from Lord of the Rings. I've been rewatching some of my favorite movies late at night again like I did when I was in college and I just finished Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, and boy does that take me back. I'm not going to get a lot of free time in the coming weeks/months with baby girl now less then 5 weeks away from making her debut into this world.

It's been a week since my last posting and I find it harder and harder to wanna write about anything right now, because when I should be feeling happy and excited, (don't get me wrong I am at times) I find myself full of hate and distaste as of late with people. I'm not going to rehash where I stand on certain things, cause if you've been reading this blog and if you work with me, you know how I feel about the current state of our political climate. I get angry inside when I see people walking around without a mask on especially when out a public place. The selfishness & general lack of concern for others well being and safety has been treated as an after thought at a time in our countries history when it should be at the forefront.

See here I go again, and I didn't want to write about this but it's hard for me cause I have a ton of feelings I want to get out and considering this is my forum to do it I will. I get so angry when I see Pritzker sucks signs in peoples yard. I've literally almost stopped the car on the side of the road to rip them out. I hate seeing so much negativity on social media towards a group of individuals that it's worn off on me I feel like and I'm like huh, how did this happen. 2020 has been let's face it, a fucked up year and it shows no signs of getting better.

Just look at Florida, Texas, California, all getting worse by the day and reporting new cases upwards of 10k a day!!!! Yet people want to criticize our leader (I'm not talking Trump, just so we're clear) and the fact that our state is following logic and science! Like wake up and smell the fucking roses people. Guess what: concerts will return, indoor seating in restaurants will eventually get back to normal but face facts- that's not happening right now so we should be doing everything and anything we can to get back to that point. The sad fact is, we won't for a long time because of things I mentioned earlier- people's selfishness and unwillingness to adapt to change.

It terrifies me to my core to welcome this baby girl into the world...there I said it. I've been called a few things during this time, some I know were meant to be harmless but some I think were said with a little bit of malicious intent. Guess what- I don't care, it doesn't phase me in the slightest. I've done the things I needed to do during this crazy time to keep my family & I safe. Do I miss seeing my family and friends, you bet, but I've learned to adapt. Do I enjoy washing my hands a 1000 times a day when at work and the cracks on multiple fingers as a result, HELL NO, but I do it anyways. Do I enjoy applying hand sanitizer and the pain that ensues on my dry hands, HELL NO but I've learned to adapt.

People I know have asked me, what's going to happen when your baby is born. I have jokingly said, you think I'm nuts now just wait til she's here...but the more I think about it, I'm not joking. With every expert saying it's only going to get worse before it gets better, I'm reconditioning my mind that we will not be seeing family and friends for a very long time. And you know what, I'm at peace with that because at the end of the day all that matters is the health and safety of my kids, wife and me. Get togethers will happen again, parties will happen again & life will eventually get back to normal. I'm tired of keeping all this in. I don't like what I've become at times, but I do it to keep what's most important to me safe and healthy.

You may call me names, but guess what, I'll call ya one right back. Don't judge me as I try not to judge others unless of course they don't wanna wear a mask and practice social distancing! :)

Anyways, I needed to vent tonight. For those who read this blog thank you. It's meant a lot to me to have something again in my life to use as an escape and to put my college degree back to use. I promise there will be happier blogs ahead. We're all faced with difficult challenges day in and day out and for those who are hurting or need someone to talk to, I'll listen. Put your feelings to paper, or hell start a blog. Everyone needs that emotional release at a time when our country is literally up for grabs.

Stay safe and stay healthy my friends.