A Call That Won't Come Tomorrow

So tomorrow I turn 34. I haven't cared about my age ever and I honestly still don't. I sometimes act like a 60 year old in terms of my mentality on a lot of things especially lately and I'm fine with that. This year is different for numerous reasons. The reason that jumps to the top of the list and it's one that's been weighing on my mind for the last few days is this year I won't get a special phone call on my birthday from Bama.

Now I know this might seem silly to some and honestly while she was here I at times thought it was silly as well. I would be like ok I'm too old for this but wow do life's events change one's perspective on things. This will be my first birthday without her in my life and tomorrow I won't get that special phone call from her. I won't get to hear her voice sing me happy birthday, call me Timmy at the end of the song like she did for years and it's just a thought that's overtaken me the last two to three days. 

I've caught myself looking at my phone a few times today just thinking about it and as I type this now, my eyes are beginning to water because I realize now more then ever how much of an impact Bama had on my life and how special it was to hear her voice on my birthday and it's all gone. Not a day goes by where I haven't thought about her. Her hutch sits in my living room and I try to turn it on each and every night I'm home in honor of her and to make it feel like she's here with me and my family. 

Tomorrow is just going to be a little difficult if I'm being honest. Sure I'll get texts/calls from family & friends, but it's the one call I won't get that's going to put a bit of a damper on my birthday. Funny how the little things we sometimes take for granted often hurt once they are gone. This year there won't be a card in the mail from her, an orange sucker taped to a Fannie-Mae chocolate box, there will be a hole that can't be filled this year. I know with time this hole will close a little bit but it'll never completely heal and I welcome it. Never will I forget the special moments/phone calls we shared on each and everyone of my previous 33 birthday's. 

I'm not going to lie, I've felt like a different person lately. The stresses of work, the pandemic, this pregnancy, I sometimes feel like I'm trying to be Superman but even Superman needs help. I don't think I ever truly got the chance to really process everything around Bama's death because how can I? We didn't get to have a wake due to restrictions during these crazy times and it just feels like the goodbye process was kinda taken from me in a way. It's like something's been clawing in the back of my mind just wanting to get out and my emotions let's face it, feel like a yo-yo at times. Going from one direction to the next. 

I keep telling myself things will get back to the way they were but they might never. I would of loved to hear Bama's voice tomorrow for such selfish reasons. Sure she might of forgotten who she was calling as her memory was a bit foggy in recent months but it wouldn't of mattered. I would of sat through her singing and at the end told her what I always did, thanks Bama. We would talk about what I was going to do that day or evening and I would ask her how she's feeling. That's not going to happen tomorrow or ever again actually and it's just tough to deal with right now. 

I want to mention one thing that absolutely blew me away today. One of the neighbor mom's as I like to refer to them :) messaged me on Facebook the other day randomly saying she had left me a gift to be picked up at my in-laws. I was at first surprised and was like ok and she said it was in honor of Bama as she had read my blog and told me it was moving to her. So today I go to the in-laws to drop off my son and what is waiting for me there, a gift bag packed to the top with just one item- Orange Tootsie Pop's! The suckers Bama would tape to all my presents as a child, teen and adult. I had to fight back a tear on the drive to work as I had one of those suckers and looked up to the sky and made a quick toast with an orange tootsie pop. So thank you Mrs. A for one of the greatest gifts I could've gotten this year. It's meaning and sentiment will stick with me for a very long time. 

So Bama, I'll be sad tomorrow not to get your call but I know you'll be up there singing to me in that sweet sweet voice of yours. I love you and thank you for always calling me...I will miss it more than anything. 

A Letter for my Daughter

For those familiar with this blog, you'll know I've written a few 'Letters' in what I like to call A Letter series. I did one for Bama when she passed, one for my wife & always have the intent to write one for my daughter who will be here in August. I said I was going to wait until that time got closer but I just decided I didn't want to wait anymore.

Dear Daughter,

I remember it like it was yesterday when Mommy told me she was pregnant. We're we surprised- yes. We're we like is this accurate- yes. I say these things because for a while I wasn't sure we were going to be able to have another child naturally considering we did have to take some medicine to have your big brother. So when I say we're surprised it's the best kind of surprise your Dad has ever received in his life and I'm pretty sure Mommy would agree!

You're still a little over 7 weeks away but already there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. I am going to be your hero, protector & an unconditional support for you your entire life until my last breath. I am going to love you with all of my heart, my being & soul until my last breath. I will pick you up when life throws an obstacle your way & I will chase anyone away who breaks your heart! I've always had more friends who are girls so I've always thought what I would be like as a father to a girl of my own.

I've often wondered what it would be like to go to a daddy daughter dance or bigger then that- walk you down the aisle. I'll admit, I'm gonna need some help when it comes to doing your hair and picking out matching clothes, cause let's face it, I'm a guy and don't care about that stuff but if it's important to you- it'll be important to me. I want to be a hero in your eyes for as long as I can and if someone else comes along and is worthy to take my place, then I'll welcome that person with open arms. They will have to pass my tests along the way but I'm sure there will someone worthy of you one day, but we shall see.

I want you to know there will be scary times in your life, happy times, sad times and everything in between but know this, I will always be there to wrap my arms around you, reach for your hand when your scared & lift you up when you need me. I want you to know that people will disappoint you and friends you thought were friends we'll betray you. Those who really care about you, those who stick with you through good times & in bad, those are the people you want with you when you're older, trust me I know from first hand experience.

I want your voice to be your voice. I want you to believe in whatever it is you want to believe in, and if you have questions along the way, ask. I want the world for you and of course your big brother and will do everything in my power to provide it for you. Do you think I'm working as hard as I do cause I enjoy it lol...I do sometimes, but everything I do is to provide for you and your brother. There might be times where Mommy and Daddy are fighting or aren't getting along and that's ok. Grown ups, Mom's and Dad's fight sometimes but know this- we love you both more then anything and it's all gonna work itself out, I promise.

I'm sorry for all the kisses you're going to get during the early years of your life because your Dad loves kisses. I want you to know that I love you each and every day and it's the little things, the little actions that mean the most. Dream Big and if you fall, I'll be there to pick you up. You are my entire world baby girl. I sit here now putting my thoughts to this letter and I can't believe how excited I am for you to arrive. I can't wait to see you be held by Mommy for the first time and then of course held by me.

You were carried by your Mommy during a time that this world has never seen before and I hope it's one you'll never have to experience in your life time baby girl. I want you to know something, I at times didn't make it easy on Mommy during this Pandemic. She would joke and say I had her on house arrest but I did it for your safety and Mommy's. Trust me when I say there will be a time when the four of us go on a magical vacation or getaway and in those moments I'll look at Mommy and say- it was totally worth it right! To witness the little moments you'll share with your big brother will reassure what I've known all along- it was worth it.

I want you to know that even Daddy's get scared sometimes baby girl. Truth be told, I'm scared each and every day during this time in our history right now and all I care about is your safety along with your brothers & Mommy of course. I was beyond grateful and blessed to know we were going to welcome a daughter into this world and then when this virus came around it made me appreciate it that much more. Your mommy is incredibly brave, strong & amazing baby girl I want you to realize that the first time you have a fight. I can't imagine the fear she sometimes had and of course wouldn't tell me about knowing that I had enough to worry about and wouldn't want to add it to my plate.

In closing, baby girl, I love you more then life itself. I will try to be the best daddy in your life that I can and I promise to never stop. Will I be embarrassing or overstep sometimes, damn right I will, but it comes from a good place. I literally am counting the days, hours, minutes & seconds until I get to hold you for the first time in my arms and kiss your head. Until that time, you enjoy being in Mommy's tummy and let her get some sleep.

I love you.

Dada

If You Could Build Me A Daddy

The power of music is something isn't it! Just recently Luke Bryan, one of my favorite country artist released a song called 'Build Me a Daddy.' I've said it before and I'll say it again, country music at least in today's world of so called 'music' is the best genre of music. Numerous reasons support my theory and thinking. They can actually sing, play, write and tell the best stories through their music.

They don't need stupid beats, auto-tunes and background noise to make themselves sound good, because, they are good! The power of a good song can really hit ya and for me country music has always managed to do that. Don't get all 'Well all they sing about is trucks, beer and America,' because why yes, there are plenty of songs about that, country music just gets it. They know how to tell the story of love, family & the story of hope.

I've listened to this particular song on repeat since I first heard it almost a week ago and the lyrics are just super powerful and the video is as well. As a father of one, and a second one now just 8 weeks away this song particularly sticks with me and tugs at the old heart strings. With Father's Day this weekend it made it's release and meaning even more powerful. We all have that song that resonates with us and while I have other songs that hold more meaning, this one and the timing with everything going on in the world just feels perfect.

I've been lucky to celebrate a few Father's Days now as an actual Father and there is nothing and I mean nothing better then that. For all the Father's out there it's a feeling you can't describe to others but you know it's there. The moment your child is born, the moment you hold them against you and the first time they just lock eyes with you, it's over! Over in every sense of the word meaning it's unconditional and a love that you'd arguably kill over. Your their protector, guardian and do anything for person and it's a job I wouldn't trade for anything.

That's why this song is special because it's all about a little boy whose lost his Dad and why I still have my father and my son has me, it makes ya think. Life is precious, fragile and unpredictable. This virus I took super seriously, still do, but to see the negligence and flat out disrespect in others during this time just sucks. You may not have anything that matters to you in your pathetic life, but I do. Sorry, I get heated when talking about this. *Trust me I could go on but everyone knows where I stand with this.

The power of a song huh? Circling back, what song makes you think of that special someone, something or connection in life? I'd love to hear about it because after all, it's that song, it's that lyric it's that note that tells a story that no matter what anyone says, is all your own. With everything going on in today's world perhaps today, just turn that song on and for a few minutes just slip away to a better place and time.

The joys of a sprinkle...

It's been a while! I'll be honest life has gotten in the way of this blog for the past few days and truth, I've had somewhat of a writers block these past six days since my last posting. I'll admit, my state of mind has been on the negative side as of late and I hate feeling this way. I won't go into the specifics but I'm trying to write something on the lighter, more positive side tonight. 

I thought about writing the next installment in my 'A Letter' series, with the next one being A Letter for My Daughter, but I'm going to save that for when our due date gets a little closer. I thought about writing how people continue to reaffirm my disgust with humanity but that's too serious a topic and it's getting late. So what to write about? Favorite song, favorite TV show or how about favorite movie? 

No what I wanted to write about tonight was my son and how he just continues to become more of a big boy with each passing day. During this quarantine, I've become all about taking care of my lawn (which I always have), maintaining and growing my new tree in the front yard & arriving in the next 7-10 days will be a raised garden bed, which him and I are both very excited about. That's right, he's become my little helper when it comes to watering the tree and flowers. Watching him get such a kick out of it and telling me it's time to go water the tree and the flowers is so cool. 

Today I cut the grass and he was right alongside with me out there helping me by pushing his little bubble mower. It's in these little moments where I try to cast all the negativity out and realize that this is something special, these moments with my son are incredible and I wouldn't change them for anything. Then came the sprinkle (what he says), aka the sprinkler! We haven't gotten the sprinkler system activated yet so in the mean time we've been running the sprinkler the last few days and he's obsessed and of course telling me where to put it, when to run it, etc. 

The pure joy he gets from the simplest things in an adult's eyes truly baffle my mind at times but as a father it's the greatest of joys to experience. I've had some negative days as of late and just being able to spend quality time with him is the right kind of medicine to get my head right. He's become quite the little parrot, so of course, I need to really watch what I'm saying because one slip and it's gonna get repeated. 

So tonight, per our usual routine, we're horsing around and him and I are singing some random songs and I start singing rain rain go away. Well I like to do the funny version and sing if you don't I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear and what does he do? In the middle of our family room, pulls down not just his pants but underwear as well, and the wife and I just burst into laughter and of course so does he and he thinks he's the entertainer of the year! His laugh was amazing and of course he proceeded to do it again a couple more times and with each time, of course we're telling him you can't do that, but it's so hard not to laugh when your 3 year old is having a ball and laughing so hysterically. 

It's hard to be away from him a lot and hopefully one day that will change, but in the mean time, the days at home with him have become more fun as he's gotten older, although at times, more stressful as well & with baby sister only 8 weeks away, I can't imagine multiplying all this by 2 in just a short 8 weeks.

It all started with a big bang...

I sit here alone on the couch this evening wondering about the past. It hit me in all honesty while watching a video on Youtube of all places. That said video, The Final Table Read of the final episode of The Big Bang Theory!

It may seem silly to some of you, if not most of you, but not to me. I've always had a passion for the world of Television/Movies- the Entertainment Industry! Not just being lazy and sitting on my ass watching it, but the inner workings and the behind the scenes stuff. Quite often I would fantasize about being a writer on one of television's biggest shows or who knows a producer on a big budget Hollywood film, but living here in Illinois, I sadly realize that dream will never come true.

My love for the industry def hasn't diminished and I love knowing what is going on behind the scenes of the next Marvel movie or reading rumor boards, not spoiler boards, yes there is a difference about whose being eyed for the next big blockbuster that won't hit movie screens for another year or two. I've had this lingering feeling inside of me lately that just won't go away, almost like a voice inside my head telling me maybe it's time. Time to see if something could become of that but Illinois isn't where the action is sadly and it's kind of depressing, almost like letting air out of a balloon and watching a small child cry.

I look at my Bachelor's Degree in Journalism often and think- what could of been? I was a good writer, hell still am when I wanna put my mind to a topic of importance to me, and now it's like the degree is just gathering dust. Sure I use my writing skills every once in a while for work, but in no way is it the same. The dream was like I said in a recent blog- to have a radio or podcast with my brother from another mother, my PIC- Brendan. Or to be a well respected entertainment writer or movie critic.

Starting this blog has been a muse to me and has allowed me to vent, share my feelings and personal happenings going on in my life right now and I'm grateful to all of those who have stopped to read what I write cause quite honestly, you don't have too. This blog has led me to want to start doing more as well to help ease the voice inside my head, so I think I want to look into starting a Podcast. The Podcast would be the same sort of template that this blog is, but on it, I'd like to bring on friends or whomever really to talk about anything and everything.

Now I don't know the first thing about starting a Podcast, so some research would have to be done, but I think it's a path that I may start stumbling upon in the coming days or weeks. Not like I have a tight schedule ahead...#10weekstobaby2 oh wait...

So that's where I'm at tonight. It's funny how a video, a pointless video to some, can have a deeper fire reigniting meaning to others...

Fork In the Road

Just wanted to write tonight, I literally don't have a direction for this post but just felt as if I needed an escape so here I am. Lately I've been having a lot of anxiety building up in me. From the stress of the world, the stress of my job & the stress of always worrying about things I feel like a rubber band at times ready to snap at a moment's notice. 

The fear of the unknown has always made me feel a little on edge and lately it just seems to have caught up with me internally. I'm not going to lie I feel as if for the first time in a long time my future seems a bit foggy and not as clear as I would like it to be. People say things, do things and it just gets to me internally and like a tick it buries itself in my brain and then of course, the wheels begin to turn!

How do people silence the thoughts and quiet their minds? For me it can be super difficult at times and it gets frustrating. It's like a little voice inside your head that no matter how hard you try and silence it's always there reminding you it's there. This pandemic has sent shock waves throughout the entire world and not knowing one's future is a scary thing. 

As I type this now, I just have gotten home from a 13 hour day and have to in turn be back to work bright and early tomorrow morning for a whopping 14-15 hour day. Don't get me wrong I'm lucky to have a job and a steady paycheck, but the time away from my son weighs on my mind during times like these. Questions like- is it worth it? Are working these long days paying off? I'm not trying to get sympathy, again, this is my outlet for writing and expressing what's going on in my life right now. I look around me at times and I'll be honest, I feel as if I give it my all and try so damn hard, why doesn't everyone commit to goals like I do?

Not everyone is wired the same way I understand that, it just in a world we live in today, where jobs are at the moment hard to come by, you wish you'd see people go the extra mile and commit more. I've often wondered what else I'd wanna do if something presented itself to me and while scary it's also kind of intriguing at the same time. If you told me back in 2008 when I graduated from college that I'd be doing what I'm doing now- I would of told you- you're crazy. I went to college with a passion for journalism with hopes of one day making it as an Entertainment writer or to have my own radio show/podcast. 

I did both those things and I'll be honest, I think I excelled at both while I did them and I miss them both pretty terribly to be honest. I wish I was a critic who people turned too about TV & Movies or could speak up on my own radio show about funny topics and of course some of the serious stuff as well. 

Who knows what path I'll end up on down the road, but I know whatever it is I'll commit to it 100%. This could be just a fork in the road right now but I sure hope it's smooth sailing after whatever side of the road I choose to venture down. 

A view outside the window

It's hard to believe that 2020 is almost half way over! As we enter June, our country is in shambles, people are starting to recover from the virus & businesses are trying to reopen their doors and return to just a shred of normalcy. I sit here this morning June 2nd, 2020 on my couch looking out the window and I try to think of something positive in a dark time such as these.

I sit here and admit that I'm afraid for the future not just for myself, but the future that my son & future daughter will have to grow up in. It's 2020 and the world is crumbling & it's people are acting like savages. Let me clarify before people jump down my throat...I am all in favor of PEACEFUL, yes PEACEFUL protesting, but what these people are doing now is down right breaking the law. Innocent bystanders are looking on at their stores getting destroyed whether by smashed windows, theft of product or worse- being set on fire!

In what world is this ok? In what world should this be allowed? NONE! It is no longer about honoring a man who was tragically taken by the arrogance of others, it's become petty and down right ridiculous. I can't imagine waking up one morning and going off to work hoping & praying my store wasn't vandalized or broken into or how about- not even there anymore! What is going on right now is people breaking the law & it needs to be stopped immediately. I like most people, don't seem to have an answer on how to do that, but I'll tell you one thing, people shouldn't have to act like this in the year 2020!

I watched the news probably way too much yesterday and when listening to our President, it just makes me sit back mouth to the floor thinking, this is the face of our country? I don't identify on either side of the political spectrum as I've stated before in a previous blog, but wow just wow. The rumors flying around that he ordered the stoppage of a peaceful non violent protest so he could walk across to the street to a Church for a photo op...the rest of the world must sit back and think, wow we got it pretty good.

This is a time our country needs our leaders to step up and have one voice, a voice for all of it's citizens and instead it sounds like it's a voice only focused on one person- himself. Now does either candidate come this November election jump off the ballot to me- no, but this country is just so stuck in it's ways I'm fearful that the 2020 results may just mirror what it looked like just a short but yet so long 4 years ago.

Where I live, we've been told to stay indoors two consecutive nights. Think about that sentence for a minute, truly think about that sentence. I took a long pause just now and it makes me chuckle just a wee bit as it's so flat out silly to type out. I moved both cars into the garage, double and triple checked all the doors we're locked and again it's 2020! I always think back to a quote I honestly can't remember where I heard or saw it at. "The United States is the youngest nation in the world and also the dumbest."

From where I'm sitting this morning it certainly looks that way. There are good, innocent & hard working people in this world who are trying to jump start their lives again now that the Pandemic, knock on wood, seems to be slowing at least in Illinois but now this growing concern of looting and people acting like down right idiots is another wave of uncertainty.

I pray that the future generation in this case, my son and future daughter can in 2040 not have to face this same sort of fear & hatred but even that thought seems like a distant unobtainable dream.