One Last Walk with Bama

So here I am, Monday night, almost 9pm, kid is in bed, wife relaxing and I want to write something, but here's the thing---I got nothing tonight. The blog lately has been a bit on the somber side, due to my Bama's passing & I didn't want to write another sad piece as I promised this blog would have some lighter sides, but lately with everything going on, its's sometimes hard to see that said light.

Literally, this is the fourth attempt at writing something. My original plan tonight was to write a blog entitled- 'What will my funeral be like?' Then with today being May 4th, I wanted to write about 'May the 4th Be With You' & discuss the Star Wars global phenomenon and what other cult classics deserve their own special day with your guys participation.

I'm having a hard time wanting to write something positive as that's just not where my mood is as of late. Today we laid Bama to rest & I have a lot of emotions about it. I'm mad that we didn't get to have a proper wake & funeral for her because she deserved more then what we were able to provide based on the pandemic. I know the people that mattered most were by her side the last week & today but I know there were others who wanted to be there but couldn't.

Making the walk from the hearse to her final resting place today was a walk that will stick with me. During that walk, all the memories that will stick with me forever kept rushing through my head. Happy memories to sad realizations overcame me during that cold brisk walk. Seeing her casket lowered into the ground was tough to watch, but knowing she's laying side by side with her husband, a couple who have been apart of almost 30 years brings a smile to my face even as I type this.

I know they, not just her, they were looking down on all of us today and that they were embracing one another and smiling, and that's how I know she's ok. This day made me think about so much. Things like what will my funeral be like? Who will be there? What will my life's impact be and what will I be remembered for? It's thoughts like that, that make me want to always be a better human being and try to do my best each and every day for my family.

This blog has been a good way for me to express feelings and I'll continue to do that here. I know brighter and happier days are ahead and I'll be looking forward to them. I'll smile, I'll probably have a tear in my eye sometime in the coming days when something makes me think of her, but Bama if you taught me one thing it's this- be strong for your family no matter what, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I am grateful you are at peace, I am grateful that today, for one last time, we got to talk one final walk together.

The day after...

So for those of you who don't know or follow me on Facebook, Bama has passed away. She went peacefully early Wednesday morning and thankfully family was around her during her final moments. I will be forever grateful I got to see her one last time the Friday before hand. Whether she recognized me or not, is a mute point as all that matters to me was I will remember her.

I won't remember how she was in her final stages of life but I will remember her during the brightest stages of her life. Giving me big kisses on the cheek, making sure I washed my hands & all the other little tidbits that will stick with me forever. I am grateful that my brother and I got to go up there yesterday and spend a few hours with family members as that was essentially her wake!

This coronavirus has changed everything hasn't it! We can't have a proper wake or a proper funeral for my Bama but in the end I'm not mad. This virus grounded a lot of us in this family. A lot of us travel for work, have hectic schedules but what this virus did allow was for most if not all of us to be there in her final days and it's something I know all of us are thankful for.

Driving home yesterday was surreal knowing she was gone, knowing I wouldn't hear her voice another time and sure it was sad, but the emotion I think I'm feeling the most the last 24 hours is happiness. Before you're all like what??? Let me explain! I'm happy because I know she's happy now! Happy she isn't having to deal with her sore leg, a bruised knee & constant in and out hospital visits to help her kidneys.

I'm happy because I know she's finally at peace & reunited up in heaven with her husband, my Papa! In the coming days as we try to make funeral arrangements it's going to be different, it's going to be difficult sure, but it's the situation we're now presented with. In the end it's what we must do, and I know when the time is right we will celebrate her life properly.

Bama I just want to let you know, I've had your hutch light on the past two days in honor of you! Your great grandson said to me yesterday, no more Boo-Boo's for great grandma and he gave you the biggest kiss.

I love you Bama, be sure to check in on us from time to time!

5-6 Pairs of Pants

I have to admit, at one point today, I was full of anger. I've been consumed by stress lately! From work, Bama's situation & the daily ongoings with this coronavirus, I sometimes forget to actually enjoy life. Feels good to kind of put that out into the atmosphere today as this blog has become my way to unload stress and speak my mind to those who care to read this blog!

To begin the day I had to go to Target for groceries and it's just crazy how long of a process it now has become from start to finish but I've talked about that before. So after working very long hours this past weekend, it was such a relief to have the day with my son. Hearing him say things now like, "Dada I don't want you to go to work" or 'Dada I missed you' it does really put things into perspective.

So today I'm in the kitchen, it's late morning and I notice the house is eerily quiet. I go downstairs to see he's not on the couch, or playing, but he's in the bathroom going potty without announcing to me he has to go! I'm like 'WTF' what is going on here. I run down there for fear he is literally peeing all over the bathroom floor, but no. There he is, with his pants and underwear mostly down and he's sitting on his big boy potty as I call it, peeing. I was like amazed by this, cause for the last few months of hardcore training he has always announced he has to go and today was the first day where that didn't happen.

I thought this could be just a one time fluke, but then it happened again and again throughout the day. Hence the title of this blog, we still couldn't quite manage the full aspect of pulling ones pants all the way down and the back of his pants would become just a little wet hence requiring a change of clothes (several times today). What made me want to write about this today was just how someone so small out of no where just change and do this all by himself. As a first time father, it's so rewarding to see it pay off and see that yeah, he's growing up before my eyes.

If this quarantine is going to teach me anything besides a new self cleaning regimen, it's that sometimes I need to turn off the news, put my phone down and realize that I have the coolest little mini me 3 year old and to enjoy every second I have with him. Him asking me to come watch the same episode of Bubble Guppies for the 10th time melts my heart and I'll always sit next to my favorite buddy no matter what. I love you buddy and thank you for always showing me what really matters in my life and that's you. I can't wait to see what you do next!

A Letter For Bama...

Let me start off by filling those in, Bama, is my Grandma. I have called her Bama since I was a baby as I couldn't say my G's correctly, so Bama (Ba-Ma, not Bama like you hear people when they reference Alabama), but moving on. She has been in an assisted living facility for a few years now and in and out of hospitals during that time as well. Today I traveled to my Aunt's house in Michigan as she has been put in Hospice care and today I went there to say what I can only assume will be my final goodbye with her. Bama, this is for you! 

Dear Bama,

Where do I begin? I was your first grandchild, one out of six. It's something that has always meant a lot to me. Being the first, being the oldest, I felt as if I had a sense of responsibility to carry on to the others. My memory of my early years is certainly a little fuzzy but I can still remember some things from personal experiences and the stories my mom has shared with me over the years. I'll share one in particular. Anytime you and Papa would be coming over to my parents house, there I would be glued to the front room window anxiously waiting for you guys to arrive. Once you arrived, the three of us would be inseparable. No matter how tired either of you were, you would play with me, follow me around the house & basically 'put up with me and my then toddler ways.' So for that, I just want to say thank you. 

In early 1991, just a few months before I turned 6, Papa died. Being so young, I didn't understand the situation but I can tell you I was devastated. As my mom told me so many times, him and I had a bond that couldn't be broken. He was my hero and I wish I got to spend more time with him. I wish he could of seen me grow up, get married and hold my son like he held me. That would of been a moment in time that would of lasted with me forever & is one I'll sadly never get to have. Papa, know that I love you and I'm very excited your wife will be by your side in the coming days or whenever the good Lord takes her. Excited you may be thinking. It would be selfish of me to keep wanting Bama down here any longer as she has been without her other half for almost 20 years, but I'll move on. 

As my brother and I got older, we would be over at your house more for sleep overs and so many things stand out. Your strict eating schedule and making sure we washed our hands and face extensively upon being done with our dinner. She is a very strict, but fun loving Italian woman, you could eat off her garage floor, it was that clean. Getting a special treat for dessert was always something my brother and I looked forward to. Had to clean your plate, otherwise you'd be left with nothing. Sleep overs were a blast, you made it so much fun and it's something I'll take with me forever. 

Finding your treat drawer during my youth and high school days as well...I always knew Bama would have something at her house and we went for a quick visit, sure enough, there were some Tootsie Pops. She knows orange is my favorite sucker, so for each and every one of my birthday's what would be attached to my present---an Orange Tootsie Pop! Something I'm sure will hit me hard on my birthday this year will be when my phone is silent and I don't get my annual birthday song from you. I have received it 33 years in a row & as I got older, sure it seemed a little silly, but it's one of those special touches I will take with me & never forget. 

As I got older and started working & dating & worrying about my social life, I could of visited more. I could of popped in for a quick visit & I could of called more and for that I apologize Bama. 

We now fast forward to present day. This is going to be tough. I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. I want you to know that anytime I hear a Johnny Mathis song, it will stop me in my tracks and it takes me back to your house as a kid. I can only imagine the raw emotion I will feel when I hear one for the first time on the radio this Christmas and know you aren't around to enjoy it with me. I will miss rubbing your lipstick from my cheek after saying hello. I will miss you calling me Nick (my cousin) and then realizing it was Tim. I said it earlier and I said it again, my 34th birthday this June will be a little difficult this year knowing I won't hear your voice to wish me a happy birthday. I am so glad that I took your dining room hutch, as it sits in my living room and when I open the doors, I can still smell the smell of your house. I turn the light on almost every night in it, as it makes me think of you. 

I can't ask you to keep fighting as that would be selfish of me. You have a wonderful husband, father of three daughters, grandfather of six & great grandfather of 6, waiting for you to be back in his arms and I can't ask you to keep hanging on anymore. You deserve to rid yourself of this constant pain, hospital visits & suffering. You have left an amazing impact on my life & I hope you know that. Seeing you today and realizing that realisticly this was our final encounter is crushing. I have had tears in my eyes the entire time writing this. I want you to go and be at peace as you deserve it. You have been fighting for so long and it's time for you to find happiness and finally rest. When you see Papa again, I hope, no I know it'll be the most special moment for each of you and a part of me wishes I was there to see it. I'm sad you won't be around for the birth of my daughter this August, but I promise she'll be raised right and I'll make sure the values you taught me, will be engraved in her & in my son as well. I hope you both check in on us from time to time and I hope you both know that I love you and will think of you each and every day.

For those of us still down here, it's going to suck, it's going to be a difficult time for a while but knowing your at peace, knowing your not hurting anymore & again, knowing your reunited with Papa will be what helps ease this pain I'm personally feeling. As I told you today when I squeezed your hand for one last time, I love you Bama. 

In a time full of noise, just listen

So I wish I could say that the title of this post was some witty line I just came up with but it's not. Instead, it's a line from Be A Light by Thomas Rhett and it's the driving force behind this late night post. I used to be one of those people who would just casually read others comments on select postings on social media sites, mainly Facebook, but lately I've found myself chiming in more then ever before!

I've discovered that there is just so much stupidity, negativity and down right arrogant people in this world it makes me sick. Take for instance our state Governor. Say what you will, I think he has done a pretty good job at trying to keep this state and it's people safe. Yes I know businesses are hurting, the economy is failing but this virus is taking grip on it's citizens and if we're not careful it could impact us harder than most experts forecasted.

But anyways, back to my original point. Some of these peoples comments about how he sucks, he has no clue what he's doing and that we should just go about our normal day are just utterly disturbing! I know everyone's situation is different but if some ass hole were to walk by me while let's say grocery shopping and cough without any sort of protection on, I'd have the urge to beat the shit out of the guy! I have a 3 year old & a pregnant wife at home, and this is why taking every precaution I can is of the utmost importance to me.

There are far too many people not taking this seriously and it pisses the living hell out of me. There will never be another event like this in most of our lifetimes and the negativity people are displaying to those in power who make these decisions is just down right horrible. Yes, I know it's a free country and I might piss some people off with this comment, but am I proud to be an American? At the moment, I'm disgusted to be associated with some of this countries citizens. No one could of known how to deal with this, I don't care who you are. But to attack people on a daily basis just down right proves to me which I've been feeling for years, not just recently, that this world is full of selfish, arrogant and down right disgusting human beings.

People have told me, put yourself in the shoes of someone not fortunate enough to be working and you know what my response is--I'd have to find a way to make it! I will stand up and shout from my roof top that I think the Governor of this state is doing an incredible job and am hoping this Stay at Home Order continues as long as it needs to because as I said, the safety of my family comes above all else. I have posted that on social media only to be attacked by those whose opinion differs then mine. I'll reply in kind, but then there are times where I find myself wanting to question their intelligence. I don't cause I'm not gonna publicly berate someone like that.

To quote Thomas Rhett, 'In a world full of hate be a light.' This world could use a heavy dose of a bright light right now instead of it being consumed by darkness. This world will survive, but sadly, there are those who won't learn anything from this because they live in their tiny little bubbles. I am grateful each and every day that my family and I are healthy and safe and those around me are the same.

Let's all try to put our blinders up to hate & remember what's important during times like these!

February 1st, 2019: A weight loss journey!

Can you think back to New Years Day of 2019? I can, it's a day that like all of you reading this right now, made a New Years resolution and swore to keep it going. Well, to repeat myself, like all of you reading this right now, you probably failed to deliver on that resolution and found yourself saddened or disappointed. I will raise my hand and shout guilty as charged as my resolution was to finally lose weight & I never even started to try!

So then came along February 1st, 2019 and I'm not sure why but I looked at myself in the mirror & literally asked myself- do you want to die early in life from something like being obese (which according to by BMI index I was) & man is that just depressing in itself or do you want to get up off your ass an do something about it! So that day I decided to install the My Fitness Pal app and log my starting weight. Now I haven't really shared that starting figure with a lot of people as it's something I'm truly embarrassed about and for sake of my sanity, let's just say it's a high number.

So on that morning I logged my starting weight and set up a daily calorie goal based on wanting to lose two pounds a week. I knew the cold turkey method would only drive me back to old ways so I decided to start slow. I never really was a breakfast person unless I was at work & those choices weren't always the healthiest of ones, so I decided to do some research. Before I forget, I have to thank one person in particular, I won't mention any last names but Michelle, I can't even begin to thank you for all of your assistance during this ongoing journey. Your own weight loss story, personal experiences & recommendations for protein powders to recipes forever changed my life & I could never ever repay you.

From there I had to eliminate my crack, my niche, my drug- MOUNTAIN DEW! Talk about withdrawals, at any given point in the day in my past I was probably drinking anywhere from 4-5 cans a day without blinking an eye, probably a little bit higher on some days at work as we have it on the fountain guns and would just add a splash here and a splash there. So I went to Diet Mt. Dew, again they say this isn't the best alternative but as I don't drink coffee, I had to find something to help with the caffeine addiction to start my morning otherwise cue a headache. After about a week or two of it, it turned out it was actually kind of a breeze, much to my surprise, so that was another road block hurdled.

Now came probably the most challenging part of the entire thing- WORK! For those of you who don't know I work in a restaurant five days a week and am surrounded by temptation! Literally a menu full of delicious, mostly unhealthy options for someone looking to lose weight and change his lifestyle. So I said hello to some new friends- bagged lunches from home, salads & chicken! It was the ultimate mental tug of war. There were days where I wanted to say fuck it, I give up, but I would always think about one thing- do you want to see your son grow up and his kids grow up? Call me crazy, but it worked.

Sure the food cravings didn't end after a day, a week or a month but over time my cravings for the junk food were eliminated due to seeing results on the scale. I wanted to lose 50 lbs by Jan 1, 2020 and I actually lost 50 lbs with like 8 weeks to spare & I decided to keep going. Constant walks outside w/ my son in the stroller and using the Bowflex bike I purchased for Christmas this past year, it was all the motivation I needed to keep going.

So what has the endgame results been- I'm proud to say that at my highest I've lost 73 lbs in just about 13-14 months. For those of you who've ever said you look great, keep it up or any other positive words of encouragement it was the fuel that kept me going through all of this and I truly mean that. Hearing positive well wishes was such a motivator I can't begin to describe it. For those of you thinking about making a change you owe it to yourself to try it & STICK with it. Sure results won't happen over night and they might not happen in a month or two, but if you look at yourself in the mirror and reach down deep, you can achieve anything you set your mind too.

I have never looked better, felt better or had more energy and I need it more then ever w/ my son running around and keeping me young! That's it, that's my secret path I took when this all began. So what's your New Years Resolution going to be come 2021 and will you stick with it?

Poop in the Potty

So today was a milestone in the life of my son---you guessed it by the title, he pooped on his 'Big Boy' Potty, not once, but twice! This has been a battle in every sense of the word, and I mean BATTLE!

My son has been a creature of habit, I wonder where he gets it from...'Like Father Like Son.' But today over at Grandma's house & then again at home for mommy tonight, he went poop on the potty and hopefully it's the turning of a new page after what's been a several month battle. It's truly amazing isn't it? That someone in our lives can be so young and have such a determination not to change!

Being a dad has without question been the most awarding and gratifying experience of my life so far and I wouldn't trade it for anything! The little moments can make the darkest days gone in the blink of an eye. Getting home from a long day and him running to the door and wanting me to pick him up screaming Daddy is truly one of the best things I've ever experienced.

I'd like to rewind a bit as this late night post has got the juices flowing and it was brought to my attention today that people wanted a 'Feel Good' post in scary times we live in so I'll tell you all a tale.

For those who don't know, my son was born in 2017 a week before St. Patrick's Day. My wife and I struggled to conceive naturally and after about 8-9 months of doing it the old fashioned way, we went on a medicine and low and behold, we conceived after being on it for just a month, it was truly a miracle, one I thank God for every day as others haven't been as fortunate.

Over the past three years I've watched not just my son grow into a fun loving toddler, but I myself have done some major growing up as well. I was and for the most part am still a hardcore worrier but he's my first born son and I'll never stop being that way. It's my job as his Dad to be his protector and it's a job that I love. Little moments from his first roll over, his first laugh, first word (which was Dada) & the way him and I today fake wrestle, it's stuff that truly brings light and joy into my life during this crazy time in our world.

It's the way we hold a conversation now during an entire car ride over to Nana & Papa's house about what we see out the window or asking me to play Baby Shark on my phone, it's amazing that stuff like this is happening as he's discovering new words and trying to formulate his own questions and sentences.

Being a dad of one in the beginning seemed daunting and scary but with each passing day and truly having an amazing wife/best friend/amazing mother to our little guy it certainly helped. With a second one on the way, our family will become even more complete than I ever thought possible. Will I still worry and be fearful at times, yes considering the circumstances we find ourselves in now is daunting & scary.

I'm grateful that my pregnant wife is working from home, grateful for her sacrifices of being stuck inside all day & most of all for taking care of our son on days where I'm gone for hours on end even though I know she's both physically & mentally exhausted. Our son, our future daughter & your husband are beyond grateful and we all love you so much!

That's what is most important in life right now- family! Remember to say I love you to someone you may not have in a while, remember to stop & cherish a little moment with that special someone or in my case that little person in your life & just remember that while times are tough one day soon, we will all be able to just flush these bad memories down life's toilet!